Truth or Dare with the Cullens
by JustPastSane
Summary: Bella and the Cullens are bored to death. Sooo they play truth or dare. What can go wrong right? The answer: EVERYTHING! Tutus, strippers, stalkers, homosexual Mike, and the panty lord! Now with werewolves, and group dares! Can't get any better right?
1. Let's Play

**This is my first fanfic, so go easy on me, darlings.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing of twilight. Stephenie Meyer does. She totally rocks and my dad makes me fold his dirty socks. –pouts- **

**Bella POV**

"I'm bored," I said. We were at my soon-to-be home. Esme and Carlisle were visiting Tanya for a week, so I came over like I always do.

"Me too," Emmett sighed from beside me.

"Where's Rosalie?" Jasper asked lounging on the couch with Alice sitting next to him on the floor.

"I dunno."

"That's not changing the fact that I'm still bored," I sighed again.

"Bella we heard you the first time," said the love of my existence.

"Me too," Emmett said again.

Alice pouted. "Me three…"

"Me four," Jasper chimed in.

"Me five," I said.

"Me – " Emmett was about to start.

"OK! Then what do you guys suppose we do?" Edward almost yelled.

Alice started to cough. For a supposedly kick-ass vampire, she was weird, that one.

"I dunno!" Emmett groaned.

Alice coughed again.

"Eh…" was all Jasper said.

Alice coughed even louder.

Rosalie came through the door –not that I saw her but I saw her when she came in. She quickly took a seat with Emmett.

"What are you guys doing? You guys look bored to death," she commented.

"Ya' think?" Jasper said dripping with sarcasm.

Rosalie rubbed her temples, "Then do something."

"That's what we've been trying to do," I replied.

Alice coughed _really _loud.

"Ok, Alice, what?" Edward asked annoyed, probably because Alice was blocking her thoughts.

"Too late," she smiled. About a minute passed when Rosalie spoke again.

"Why don't we –" was all she could manage to say before Alice cut her off.

"Let's play Truth or Dare!" she squealed.

"Hell yes!" Emmett jumped up.

"Did Emmett almost squeal?" I whispered to Edward. He nodded with the same look I had on my face. Emmett turned to look at me and then went back to the excitement.

"Yes!" Rosalie said with as much excitement as the other two.

"I'm in," Jasper said.

"Oh yeah!" my Edward said. "What? It's fun," he said after looking at my expression.

"Bella?" Alice pouted, crawling over to me with puppy dog eyes.

"Fine…" _How bad can it be?_ I thought.

"Yay! OK, I ask first," she grinned.

**Alice POV**

"OK .Hmmm…" this was going to be a hard decision. "Emmett!" hey I said hard not quick.

"Why me?" He asked.

"Because I said so," I smiled sweetly.

"Fine…dare," I knew he would say that.

"Emmett I dare you to…" I had to think. Oh I got one! _Block your thoughts, Alice, block your thoughts._ I knew Edward would want to see.

"We're waiting," Edward sounded annoyed.

"Fine..." I started giggling. Then out of nowhere I burst out laughing. Edward started laughing to. _Damn it! You were supposed to bock your thoughts! Bad Alice, bad! _I thought to myself. Edward just laughed even more.

"Not all of us can read minds you know," Rosalie rolled her eyes.

"So…rry," I managed to say. I could feel a wave of calmness wash through me.

"Thanks Jasper," I said. He nodded in response.

"So?" Bella asked.

"Ok Emmett I dare you to go to the club and sing..." I started before he cut me off.

"Easy," He said.

"I wasn't finished!" I scolded. "As I was saying, go to the club and sing 'Barbie Girl' while wearing a pink tutu," the words rushed out of me. And next thing I knew we were all on the floor laughing our asses off.

**Emmett POV**

I could feel the shock on my face. How the hell was I supposed to do this? I don't even have a tutu.

Crapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrap!

Alice was a pixie for Halloween last year. I just stared at them. They were all laughing. Hell no.

After everyone calmed down, which was a good ten minutes, Bella asked, "So… are you going to do it?"

"Hell no!" I yelled back.

"I hope you remembered the rules," Edward smirked.

Crappy crap! I suddenly remembered the rules. Bella nudged Edward – like that would do any harm – to get the information of the rules. Instead he just said them out loud.

"Cullen rules for playing Truth or Dare. 1) No telling people that what you are doing is for truth or dare besides the people you're playing with. 2) If you tell people then you will receive a consequence. 3) You must put you're all in the only two consequences are that you get the thing you most want, took away from you for whatever time period or you do an extra dare. And your fellow team players get to chose for you," Edward stated as-a-matter-of-factly. I hate him so bad right now.

**Rosalie POV**

"No way am I doing it! Forget you all!" Emmett yelled.

We all knew what that meant so we huddled in a circle.

"What should it be?" Bella asked. I just thought for a second.

"Woo! Rosalie that's a great idea!" Alice chirped.

"Excellent!" Edward commented.

"Hello. We're still here you know," Bella said.

"Oh right. Emmett's just not gonna get any," I said proud of myself for thinking or it, but of course it was too easy. Bella didn't get it.

"Oh, nice Rose," Jasper chuckled. We all turned around at the same time to face Emmett.

"Ok Emmie… we've decided," said Alice. "Rose do you care to explain?"

"OK, if you don't do the dare then you won't get any in bed," I smirked.

"Ohh." Bella whispered to herself.

"For a week I may add." Alice pitched in. We all nodded. Emmett looked really pissed.

"Fine!" he yelled and started for our room. Alice and I followed closely behind.

**Thanks for reading, hope you guys enjoyed that little piece. I know it was fairly short, but bear with me, they get longer. (:**

**Review!**


	2. I'm a Barbie Girl!

**A\N: OK guys sorry for the looooong wait. I just have lots to do. But anywho I'll just shut up so you can read. **

**DISCLAIMER: **

**Me: Yeeeessss I finally own Twilight!**

**Brain: not really no.**

**Me: yes I do! You just want it for yourself!**

**Brain: OK so I want it, but it's not yours.**

**Me: Yeah huh!**

**Brain: Nuh uh!**

**-goes on for a while-**

**Me: yeah huh!**

**Brain: omg! It's not yours! You're just dreaming!**

**Me: -wakes up- what a horrible nightmare! **

**-looks around to find Twilight- **

**Me: Crap! SM still owns it! **

**-starts to sob and then uncontrollable tears-**

**Kk I'll shut up now. :)**

**Edward POV**

Hahahahaha! I could laugh all day at Emmett's thoughts. That was pretty harsh for Rosalie, but hey who's whining? I won't be able to hear them bragging.

_I swear I'm going to kill them all! How could Rose do this to me, I thought that she was on my side! If I could cry I would. Hmph! I'm going to get Alice soo bad! Beware of the wrath of Emmett the Almighty!_ He thought. I'd have to tell Alice of the 'wrath' of 'Emmett the Almighty'.

My sweet Bella and I were sitting on the couch. My arm around her slender shoulders.

"So _this _is how you play truth or dare," She asked, more of a statement than a question.

"Yep. Cullen style," She giggled and blushed. She was like my personal blushing machine.

"Edward, Emmett's almost ready let's go!" Alice chirped. She's always so…bubbly it's scary.

We all got in Emmett's jeep. Well except for Emmett, he took my car. My precious car.

_I'll have to tell Edward that I'll fix his car if Emmett does anything to it. He'd better not or I will smack him. I always have to 'clean up' the messes he leaves..._Rosalie thought.

"Edward if Emmett…" Rosalie started. I nodded to show that I read her thoughts.

Alice was driving and Rosalie got shot gun, Jasper wanted to sit in between both of them, so I could sit with my blushing machine.

"Who do you think Emmett is going to pick for revenge?" asked Bella nervously.

"Alice?" I requested.

"Umm… why in the world would I tell you? Besides he's still debating. I'm going to have to make a new rule," she said.

"That would be?" Jasper asked.

"No picking the person who picked you." She sounded proud of herself.

o0o0o0o0o0o0o

**Emmett POV**

Hell no. Hell no. Hell no. FUCK NO!**( A/N: sorry all caps shows his 'emotions') **I am sooo going through with this, am I? Crap! I can't chicken out. Reputation, Emmett, reputation.

After they all left to the only club with karaoke-which I didn't think was possible in Forks- I ran to Edwards's car. I was about to tear everything limb from limb. Mwahahahaha! All from hi precious little Volvo! On second thought Rosalie would kill me, and I was already dead.

Crapcrapcrapcrapcrap!

_I can do this. I can do this._ I chanted in my head. _Stupid head! Can't you think of a way_ _out of this freaking mess!_ What am I saying I love truth or dare. _Be a man…or_ _vampire…whatever! _I sing 'Barbie Girl' in the shower why can't I now? Hehe I'm going to get Alice back good.

**Bella POV**

We finally got to the club. I wasn't too fond of clubs, but Emmett in a tutu? This I had to see. Mwahahaha. That's what you get Emmett for making fun of me! Wait a freaking minute! This club looks all too familiar. Hmm… What'ev' I don't care. Alice was to hyper for her pixie self.

"Alice tell me how five minutes are too long for you. 'Cause guess what that's how long we were driving for?" I asked as I got out of the car.

"Too long! Too long! TOO LONG!" she was jumping up and down now.

"Jasper, a little help?" Edward asked.

"Oh right. I just haven't seen her this excited in a while," he chuckled, while calming down the pixie.

"Jasper she was excited was five minutes ago." Rosalie commented.

When we walked inside, there were tons of people. Someone was already singing and some dancing. I could swear I knew the voice of the person singing but didn't pay much attention. Music started playing. I knew the song. It was by Pink…umm 'let's get this party started'.

_I'm comin' up so you better get this party started  
I'm comin' up so you better get this party started_

_Get this party started on a Saturday night  
Everybody's watin' for me to arrive  
Sendin' out the message to all of my friend  
We'll be lookin' flashy in my Mercedes Benz  
I got lotsa style, got my gold diamond rings  
I can go for miles if you know what I mean  
I'm comin' up so you better get this party started  
I'm comin' up so you better get this party started_

_Pumpin' up the volume, breakin' down to the beat  
Cruisin' through the west side  
We'll be checkin' the scene  
Boulevard is freakin' as I'm comin' up fast  
I'll be burnin' rubber, you'll be kissin' my ass  
Pull up to the bumper, get out of the car  
License plate says Stunner #1 Superstar_

"Woo! I like it!" I almost squealed. _Almost._ That voice singing sounds all too familiar. I just can't think of whom right now. After all it is a karaoke club – the _only _karaoke club.

"That's what Alice was so happy about," Edward said.

"Well, I'm excited," I said bouncing to the beat. Yeah this was fun I'll admit. Whoa I'm starting to sound like Alice. I shuttered.

"Oh my cheese and rice! Emmett's going to start right after," Alice said and started jumping

"Oh my cheese and rice?" Rosalie asked.

"Uhh, yeah. I don't like to say 'Oh my Jesus Christ' so I substitute." Alice smiled like a maniac.

_I'm comin' up so you better get this party started  
I'm comin' up so you better get this party started  
Get this party started_

_Makin' my connection as I enter the room  
Everybody's chillin as I set up the groove  
Pumpin' up the volume with this brand new beat  
Everybody's dancin' and their dancin' for me  
I'm your operator, you can call anytime  
I'll be your connection to the party line_

_I'm comin' up so you better get this party started  
I'm comin' up so you better get this party started  
I'm comin' up so you better get this party started  
I'm comin' up so you better get this party started  
Get this party started  
Get this party started right now  
Get this party started  
Get this party started  
Get this party started right now_

**Alice POV**

I so can't wait for Emmett to start! I was literally laughing my ass off. I can get control over the break.

Holy crap! Holy crap! Holy crap!

VISION!

**Rosalie pov**

"What the hell Alice?" I said in a normal voice. I knew she would hear me, unless she had a vision.

"Alice!" she had a vision. Ugh.

"Huh? What? Sorry." She said.

"What was the vision about?" Jasper asked.

"Yeah why are you hiding your thoughts?" Edward asked.

"Well, I just…Yeah…" she said dozing off.

"Anywho…" Jasper said.

"Yeah about that… what about your vision 'smart one'? I said wanting to get the facts.

"God Rosalie… it was about Mi – " she cut off just as Mike and Tyler – Bella's fan club (a.k.a B.F.C) – came our way.

"Well there's your answer." Alice said.

"Crap hide me!" Bella whisper-screamed. Edward started to growl.

"Calm down Edward," Jasper said.

"Look Emmett's coming on!" I said. Crap since when were Jessica and Lauren here? I hate those conceited bitches._ I'm_ not even like that.

**Mike POV**

Hello. Look who's here. My lovely Bella. And she came where she knew she would find me, at my dad's club. She came looking for me, how sweet. Stupid, pretty boy. I should go try to talk to Bella; she probably wants to talk about us. Is Edward growling? Must be my imagination.

"Stay here with the girls Tyler," I said.

"Hey isn't that Bella?" he asked.

"No shit, Sherlock," I said. God is he annoying. I could never be like that.

"Keep diggin' it, Watson," He snapped back and started to follow me.

"Whatever, dude."

"Look Emmett's coming on!" said Rosalie. Damn she's hot. But Bella is my soul mate.

I looked up and saw Emmett…in a pink tutu? A song started playing. Emmett started singing…

" _Hi Barbie  
Hi Ken!  
Do you wanna go for a ride?  
Sure Ken!  
Jump In..._

he hoped up

_I'm a barbie girl, in the barbie world  
Life in plastic, it's fantastic!  
you can brush my hair, undress me everywhere_

He lifted up his shirt. IT BURNED!_  
Imagination, life is your creation  
Come on Barbie, let's go party!_

He put his hands in the air.

_I'm a barbie girl, in the barbie world  
Life in plastic, it's fantastic!  
you can brush my hair, undress me everywhere _

He lifted his tutu up... I shuddered.  
_Imagination, life is your creation_

Emmett did that imagination thing from Spongebob.

_I'm a blond bimbo girl, in the fantasy world  
Dress me up, make it tight, I'm your dolly_

He started swaying from side to side in a shy way... wat the hell was going on?_  
You're my doll, rock'n'roll, feel the glamour in pink,  
kiss me here, touch me there, hanky panky...  
You can touch, you can play, if you say: "I'm always yours"_

_(uu-oooh-u)_

_I'm a barbie girl, in the barbie world  
Life in plastic, it's fantastic!  
you can brush my hair, undress me everywhere  
Imagination, life is your creation_

_Come on Barbie, let's go party!  
(Ah-ah-ah-yeah)  
Come on Barbie, let's go party!  
(uu-oooh-u)  
Come on Barbie, let's go party!  
(Ah-ah-ah-yeah)  
Come on Barbie, let's go party!  
(uu-oooh-u)_

Emmett twirled around in his tutu. Then I saw Flashing but I don't know from where. For a moment everyone was looking around, and then went back to laughing.

_Make me walk, make me talk, do whatever you please  
I can act like a star, I can beg on my knees_

he got on his knees and everyone fell to the floor in laughter_  
Come jump in, bimbo friend, let us do it again,  
hit the town, fool around, let's go party_

He wiggled his eyebrows at Rosalie Cullen. A secret message I bet..._  
You can touch, you can play, if you say: "I'm always yours"  
You can touch, you can play, if you say: "I'm always yours"_

_Come on Barbie, let's go party!  
(Ah-ah-ah-yeah)  
Come on Barbie, let's go party!  
(uu-oooh-u)  
Come on Barbie, let's go party!  
(Ah-ah-ah-yeah)  
Come on Barbie, let's go party!  
(uu-oooh-u)_

_I'm a barbie girl, in the barbie world  
Life in plastic, it's fantastic!  
you can brush my hair, undress me everywhere  
Imagination, life is your creation_

_I'm a barbie girl, in the barbie world  
Life in plastic, it's fantastic!  
you can brush my hair, undress me everywhere  
Imagination, life is your creation_

_Come on Barbie, let's go party!  
(Ah-ah-ah-yeah)  
Come on Barbie, let's go party!  
(uu-oooh-u)  
Come on Barbie, let's go party!  
(Ah-ah-ah-yeah)  
Come on Barbie, let's go party!  
(uu-oooh-u)_

_Oh, I'm having so much fun!  
Well Barbie, we're just getting started  
Oh, I love you Ken!_

He faked a kiss in the air. Umm... wow. You don't see that every day.

As quickly as he got on he got off. Everyone was laughing. Alice Cullen had to lean on Jasper for support. I prayed that Bella would do the same – with me of course – then Edward started growling. Man he's scary sometimes. Then he just started laughing like there was an inside joke or something. While Edward was laughing I put my arm around Bella. Slick, I know. **(yeah real slick Mike, real slick.)**

"Get your hands off her," Edward practically yelled. I slipped my hand off her, and Edward grabbed her around the waist.

"Ugh what's that smell?" Jasper said with a disgusted look.

**Bella POV**

Ew, now I have Mike germs! It's probably worse than STD's! Thank god for Edward germs. His germs are like, being…born…again? No there just weren't any words to describe him and his germs. Emmett came back from back stage, with more color on his face?

"That was _the_ most embarrassing thing in my whole entire life," he said. He sniffed the air, and scrunched up his nose.

"What's that disgusting smell?" I sniffed but couldn't smell anything.

"Ewww …" Alice scrunched her nose, as well.

"Fucking gross…What the hell is that?" Rosalie said. Edward let go of me to investigate.

"I don't smell anything…" Mike said. Hehe I forgot he was there.

"Me neither," Tyler said

"Me too," Jessica said. Whoa Jessica?

"Me three…" Lauren?

Suddenly I felt an extremely hot hand on my shoulder.

**A/N: Ooh, major cliffy. You guys are smart, you can figure out who it is right? So you're thinking 'what to do now' here's a freaking awesome idea: REVIEW! Love you for reading!**


	3. You're WHAT?

**A/N: Ok, guys, here is. – dramatic music – **

**The third chapter! I haven't eaten my daily candy, think about all the damage I could do! Mwahahaha –nibbles a piece of chocolate bar- ok I'm eating so that I can get my sugar on…WOO-HOO it's coming so I'll start writing! Oh and sorry for those of you who like Jacob. I kind of hate him.**

**Disclaimer:**

**Me-turning into madness with candy-**

**Mwahahaha! I own Twilight! Wait….-calls mom from down stairs-**

**Me: mom?**

**Mom: yes?**

**Me: do I own Twilight?**

**Mom: Oh, not that book again! I thought you were over that?**

**Me: NEVER! You'll never make me give it up! **

**Mom: -almost whispers- no you don't own it….-sigh-**

**Me: Man mom you ruin the moment! –Stalks off into bathroom to sob-**

**That was actually a real conversation with the-lady-who-lives-with-me-and-tells-me-to-call-her-mom. On with the story...**

**Bella POV**

"Jacob...?" I asked surprised.

He was like in a trance. I looked at him and I could swear that I saw little hearts in his eyes. No freaking way! He liked Jessica or Lauren? I shuttered. Edward started to chuckle. Jacob looked at Edward…scratch that, gave him a death stare. _Jacob my boyfriend won't die that easy,_ I thought. Edward said something that only vampires could hear. I hate it when they do that. Jacob started blushing as my soon-to-be-family started laughing.

"What the hell?" Mike said.

"Dude I'm going to go home my mom's gonna be pissed. Do you girls need a ride home?" Tyler said.

"I'm good," Lauren smiled.

"Mike will take me home thanks Tyler," Jessica said as well.

Lauren decided to change the conversation after Tyler left, "Hey did you guys hear me sing the song before Emmett? Oh and by the way Emmett, you looked very pretty up there." Jessica giggled. Rosalie growled at her. So that was her... I knew it sounded familiar. God, now that I think about it, it was awful!

"Jacob what are you doing here?" I asked.

"How do you guys know each other?" Mike asked. I just ignored the retard.

**Edward POV**

Holy crap didn't know that would happen! As Jacob froze I started to read his mind. _Who the fuck is this hot guy? Crap did I just say that? What am I gay? No I love Bella. But he is hot…NO NO NO! I am not GAY! _He thought. I couldn't help but laugh. I mean Mike, _HOT? _Jacob, _GAY? _Ok so I was happy about the gay part.

_Edward what the hell are you laughing at! It better not be me you fag! _Emmett thought.

"Emmett I'm not the fag. The mutt is…he thinks Mike here is hot," I said in a voice that only my kind could hear. My whole family started laughing – obviously eavesdropping – while Jacob glared.

**Jacob POV **

How the hell did I just say that? Well not say but think. Stupid, fucking, bloodsucking, leech. Get out of my freaking head!

"Jacob are you going to answer my question or stand there like a retard?" Bella asked annoyed.

"I umm…work here now…why-" I started before someone cut me off.

"Then why are you slacking?" the-guy-who-I-don't-his-name said.

"Exactly listen to Mike," The pixie-like bloodsucker – what's her name, Alice , yeah – said. Should I be thankful that she told me his name or pissed that she's trying to get rid of me while I'm talking to Bella.

"Why should I listen to you?" I asked the guy, trying to sound rude-ish.

"Because I'm the son of the owner smart ass," Mike said. Phew I said it, or thought it whatever.

"Oh." Now I feel stupid.

**Edward POV**

You _are_ stupid, mutt.

"Edward can I talk to you…in private?" Bella asked, tugging on my sleeve.

"Yes love," I replied

We walked to the bar and she got a Mojito, and sat down at a bar stood. I did the same.

"Don't they check ID's?" she said taking a sip.

"It's one of the only bars in a small town, you take all the customers you can get," I smiled.

"Right. Let's go home and finish the game. I don't think I want to know what's going on," she said then took another sip.

"It's quite funny actually," I started. I don't know how to break it to her.

**Bella POV**

A girl with a mini skir,t and skimpy shirt started trying to talk to Edward acting like I was never there. But fine whatever.

"Hey there. I don't believe-" she got cut off.

"Jacob's gay," Emmett came out of nowhere – that probably being the news – said.

"As I was –" the girl got cut off again this time because of me.

Pppssshhhfffttt, was the sound I made when all of my drink spilled out of my mouth and onto…the girl. Hee Hee she deserved it!

Then I burst out laughing. Emmett burst out laughing because of what I did. I felt cold hands around my waist and next thing I knew I was sitting by Alice. Edward is always getting me out of trouble. That's why I love him – and many more reasons – and he is going to be my hubbie.

Music started playing. Emmett and Edward came back. Emmett and Alice started grinning like maniacs.

"Did you guys get drunk with bleach again?" I asked after they started jumping up and down. Alice – with her strength – almost broke the chair she was sitting on.

"Just watch," Rosalie said in a commanding voice. She can be so bossy. Rawr!

Emmett's booming laugh echoed through the room. Alice was laughing too. The rest of the Cullens were just chuckling. Is there an inside joke or something?

Edward saw my confused expression and pointed to the stage. I looked up and saw…Jacob? Since when does he- **(a\n: ok I know you guys are sick of the songs but just one more :)**

_**"**__Oh Mickey, you're so fine you're so fine you blow my mind,  
hey Mickey (huff huff), hey Mickey (huff huff)  
Oh Mickey, you're so fine you're so fine you blow my mind,  
hey Mickey (huff huff) hey Mickey  
Oh Mickey, you're so fine you're so fine you blow my mind,  
hey Mickey (huff huff) hey Mickey (huff huff)  
Oh Mickey, you're so fine you're so fine you blow my mind,  
hey Mickey (huff huff) hey Mickey_

_Hey Mickey!  
You've been around all night and that's a little long  
You think you've got the right but I think you've got it wrong  
Why can't you say goodnight so you can take me home, Mickey_

And he pointed at...MIKE? I must be seeing things.

_'Cause when you say you will, it always means you won't  
You're givin' me the chills, baby, please baby don't  
Every night you still leave me all alone, Mickey_

_Oh Mickey, what a pity you don't understand  
You take me by the heart when you take me by the hand  
Oh Mickey, you're so pretty, can't you understand  
It's guys like you Mickey  
Oh, what you do Mickey, do Mickey  
Don't break my heart, Mickey_

_Hey Mickey!  
Now when you take me by the hooves,everyone's gonna know  
Every time you move I let a little more show  
There's somethin' we can use, so don't say no, Mickey_

_So come on and give it to me any way you can  
Any way you wanna do it, I'll treat you like a man  
Oh please, baby, please, don't leave me in a jam, Mickey_

_Oh Mickey, what a pity you don't understand  
You take me by the heart when you take me by the hand  
Oh Mickey, you're so pretty, can't you understand  
It's guys like you Mickey  
Oh, what you do Mickey, do Mickey  
Don't break my heart, Mickey  
(Mickey, Mickey, Mickey, Mickey, Mickey, Mickey)_

_Oh Mickey, you're so fine you're so fine you blow my mind,  
hey Mickey (huff huff) hey Mickey (huff huff)  
Oh Mickey, you're so fine you're so fine you blow my mind,  
hey Mickey (huff huff) hey Mickey_

_Oh Mickey, what a pity you don't understand  
You take me by the heart when you take me by the hand  
Oh Mickey, you're so pretty, can't you understand  
It's guys like you Mickey (huff huff)  
Oh, what you do Mickey, do Mickey  
Don't break my heart, Mickey_

_Oh Mickey, what a pity you don't understand  
You take me by the heart when you take me by the hand  
Oh Mickey, you're so pretty, can't you understand  
It's guys like you Mickey (Mickey) (huff huff)  
Oh, what you do Mickey, do Mickey  
Don't break my heart, Mickey_

_Oh Mickey, what a pity you don't understand (yay)  
You take me by the heart when you take me by the hand  
Oh Mickey, you're so pretty, can't you understand  
It's guys like you Mickey  
Oh, what you do Mickey, do Mickey  
Don't break my heart, Mickey"_

Jacob sang. Wow…..

There was a moment of pause then tons of laughter.

"Holy crap that was too funny!" Rosalie said.

"I'm going to go tell Mickey," Edward said. I couldn't breathe.

"Don't you mean Mikey?" Alice corrected, which made me laugh harder.

"Wow," was all I could manage. Talk about taking it to the next level.

**Alice POV**

That was too funny! An invisible tear rolled down my cheek and I quickly wiped it off.

The mutt came back and ignored our laughing, then started to ask Bella, "What'd you think Bella?"

"Uhh…umm…"

"I think you should go tell Mike. I see a great future for you two," I interrupted.

"I thought that you couldn't see us," He said, eye-ing me.

"Yeah well, Carlisle found a temporary cure-ish. It goes away at 12o'clock tonight," Emmett said obviously bluffing.

"Sure, sure," he said and walked off towards Mike. Wow he's stupid.

"Since when did Carlisle find a cure for you to see them?" Bella asked after the stink bomb left.

"I can't," I giggled.

**Bella POV**

Jacob came back hand-in-hand with Mike. I totally did a double-take and shuttered. I didn't want to know how that happened.

"Mike since when are you gay…have you been hiding this all the time?" Lauren was saying.

"MIKE YOU CAN'T DUMP ME FOR A MAN-WHORE!" Jessica was fuming. Both girls trying to catch up.

"Hello, Bella," Mike said casually like nothing happened.

"No comment…" I said under my breath.

"Gasp!" Rosalie and Alice said while they gasped. Perfect description in my words. Then they just walked away towards the bathrooms.

"Uhh…umm…Edward can we go now it's getting a little …" I couldn't find the right word.

"Awkward," Emmett popped out of nowhere and said in a sing-song tone.

"Exactly," I put my hand up to high five Emmett. But before I could, Edward picked me up and plopped me over his shoulder.

"Hey!" I said. But it was comfortably cold; in here it _was_ hot.

"Jasper put me down!" Alice yelled.

"Yeah Emmett! We are planning to get Bella drunk!" Rosalie said then both girls started laughing uncontrollably over their sweethearts' shoulders.

"Where did you two get the bleach?" Jasper said calmly.

"Like we would tell you., pfft," Alice giggled.

"Bye Bella!" Jacob yelled as Edward carried me out the door. I just sighed.

"ALICE! IMA KICK YOUR PIXIE ASS!" Rosalie yelled.

I looked to see what was going on Edward put me down so he could see as well. Rosalie and Alice were fighting. Edward scratched his head, probably trying to figure out how this all started.

"SHUT THE HELL UP YOU WHORE!" Alice yelled back. Man are they feisty, shesh.

"Rose, Alice! People are trying to look down you're skirts!" Emmett whined.

"Stay out of this tutu-man!" Rose screeched back.

That was mean but funny. Emmett didn't think it was funny because he ran to Edward's Volvo sobbing. I should go fall down to make him feel better but he was all ready gone. Oh well.

I took a beer from this dude next to me while he was busy yelling, "Take it off! Take it off! Take it off!"

Then I was on a roll, taking other dudes' drinks. I think I took about 7, hmm…yep 7.

**Edward POV**

I took the drink Bella had in her hands, when I realized what she was doing.

"That's enough love." I said

"Eddie boy, you'd better give that back" she ordered obviously drunk. "Alice! Rose! Eddie is being a meanie weenie!"

People started laughing.

"Shut up you dildo!" Bella screamed at them. Wow, that's all I can say.

"Fucking bitch you're gonna pay for that.," Alice growled at Rosalie after she had ripped her shirt. "Do you know how much this cost me! Well… I can't remember right now, but a lot!" Yeah… we're not related.

"Ha-ha! Rosie is scared of my pixie friend!" Bella laughed.

"Shut up Bella!" Rosalie yelled back. I hate getting into their fights because it's dangerous, and here goes my fiancée, a human I may add, screaming the same way.

"No you-" but she couldn't finish because I put my hand over her mouth. Then I carried her to Emmett's jeep.

_Should I take care of her while you get the other two? I'm not about to face Alice. _Jasper thought.

"Yep," I said. He was right beside me now.

_Kill Alice. Kill Alice. Kill Alice. _Rosalie chanted in her head. The funny thing is, is that when vampires are drunk I can only read the things they chant in their minds. Go figure.

Alice was kind of just screaming profanities over and over, so lady-like.

_I hope they take something off then I could- _I shook a thought out of my head, glaring at the pervert who thought that about my sisters.

_Where'd that other hot, drunk girl go? I was hoping that she could fight to. Maybe get things a little dirty… _ugh so many perverts want my Bella and my sisters. Their thoughts are disgusting.

"Let's go you two," I sighed as I put Alice over one shoulder and Rosalie over another. Both of their shirts ripped to reveal their bras. Their skirts now ripped, became miniskirts.

"Emmett come carry your _wife_ to the car," I emphasized the 'wife' part.

Emmett came around a corner and put Rosalie over one shoulder still sobbing.

"Emmett seriously, be a man," I said.

"Yeah well it hurts. You know that saying 'sticks and stones may break my bones, but words don't have a meaning'. Well the humans must have been on crack when they came up with it, 'cause words do hurt."

"You know what, Emmett, forget I said anything," If he was going to get all sappy with me we'd might as well not talk.

"How did the fight start?" I asked the girls. They just ignored me and continued fighting. I tell you, vampirism gives them great hearing but they don't listen.

_When we were walking out, a dude said that Rosalie had big boobs. Alice -you know how she is when she's drunk- called Rosalie a ho so Rosalie got pissed and said "ALICE IMA KICK YOU'RE PIXIE ASS" that's how it started, _Emmett answered me in his thoughts.

"Seriously?" I asked. Emmett nodded."Wow."

"Emmett, Edward's being a meanie weenie," Bella pouted as soon as we got to the jeep. Emmett stopped sobbing and his booming laugh shoot through the air.

"Emmett watch your back when you get home," Alice said then started laughing.

"Why?" Emmett said after he finished laughing.

"Because I'm going to kick your ass," I said for Alice.

"What did I do?"

"You're being a dumbass Emmett even I know that," Rosalie said then laughed, which caused us to a jeep filled with laughing girls.

"You girls are having serious mood swings," Jasper said. The girls stopped laughing.

"So, who doesn't like swings?" Bella said and then the girls laughed again

"OK, then who's driving?" Jasper asked.

**Emmett POV**

"Oh, oh, me!" Alice giggled and raised her hand.

"You've got to be kidding me," I huffed. I was not about to get in a car accident because of a pixie. Same rules apply for vampires as for humans.

"Of course not, I'm driving. Emmett you are taking my Volvo," Edward said. I started to walk off. "And I expect it to be in the same condition that I had it."

"Yes Mr. bossy-Volvo-lover, sir," I said under my breath. The girls started laughing. Oops maybe I said it a little too loud.

"Ya' think?" Edward said reading my thoughts again.

"Get out of my head!" I yelled back. Maybe I should… save that thought for later.

"Please do." Edward said again.

"You know what. I'm going to buy you some ear-plugs for your head, that way you can't hear my thoughts," I said wondering if they had invented them yet. Then everyone laughed.

**Next chapter more they go home they come up with some dares and all that good stuff. Umm.. I forgot to say thanks to my editor -0anime4evaAnime0- and she also gave me some ideas. But thanks to you guys lots for all the wonderful reviews! Keep reviewing! I could eat a whole bucket of …whatever! (Seriously that's gross. The whatever can vary) –shutters- anyways be expecting chapter 4 soon but not too soon! REVIEW! I don't care if they are from the same users just review. (they make me feel all warm and fuzzy and happy!)**


	4. Take that barrel off sweet cheeks!

**A/n: Hello once again. Umm... my editor said that if I kept on saying that I get all warm and fuzzy then you won't read anymore. Is that true –eyes start to water quickly wipes them away- well I'll stop writing it. I'm in need of a good story and/or book to read. If you guys have any suggestions please tell me. I'm going to suck on a lollipop now…. (ew, nasty thinkers)**

**Disclaimer: Just because I don't own twilight doesn't mean you could rub it in my face… hmph –pouts-**

**Alice POV**

"Alright then, time for the human to sleep," Edward said as soon as we got home.

"But I'm not tired," Bella pouted.

"Yeah, Edward, don't be a pee-pee head," I giggled. "Leave the klutzy human alone," Edward glared at me. I wanted to give Bella a makeover, but there was something I forgot about…oh well.

"We have to finish our game," Bella insisted. Ohhh…that's what I forgot.

"Where's Emmett?" Jazzy asked. And I forgot that too.

Whoa I feel a vision coming on!

**~Vision~**

"How the hell am I supposed to hide my scent from Edward?" Emmett mumbled to himself. "Crap he's faster than me too."

"Woo-Hoo! You picked a nice place Johnny," A dude with a red cap started walking towards the field we play baseball in. _What the hell are they doing here?_ I thought as I saw more people walking in.

"I know great for the party huh Bob!" **(A/n: Bob and Johnny are OC I made up)** the Johnny dude said.

People started putting beer kegs on the floor and keg barrels as seats. They got a few boom-boxes and turned them on then they turned on their car radios. Emmett ran into the shadows.

**~End-o-Vision~**

"Oh, oh, oh!" I jumped up excitedly.

"What Alice?" Edward asked annoyed.

"Bella you're right…Edward is a meanie weenie," I told Bella.

"I know high-five!" I was about to give her a high five but Edward interfered…_ugh stupid over –protective vampire_ I thought.

"Shut up Alice!" Edward scolded.

"Oh did you hear when I thought 'stupid over-protective vampire'?" I asked being serious.

He looked pissed. Oops I forgot that when vampires are drunk he can only _hear_ when they chant things in their head. That means….oops.

"I was talking about the meanie weenie part," Edward growled. Bella and Rosalie giggled and Jazzy chuckled.

"I just realized that," I said embarrassed.

"So what were you going to say?" Rosalie asked.

"Right…. I had a vision," I said.

"I think we realized that when we saw the blank look on your face," Edward said.

"Touchy, much?" I said.

"Alice!" they all yelled at me.

"Alright, alright! Damn, bite my head off why don't you," I said sarcastically. "Emmett is hiding in the field where we play baseball."

"Why is he hiding there?" Jazzy asked.

"Evidently he took Edward seriously when he said that he was going to kick his ass," I replied.

"Let's go find him," Rosalie said.

"He'll come back…when do you see him coming back my pixie friend?" Bella asked me

"Hey! It's Mrs. Pixie to you clumsy! And he's not gonna come back for a while," I said.

"Well what is he doing right now?" Edward asked.

"Lemmie check," I said.

**Vision**

"What if they find me?...What if Alice tells them that I'm here?... Alice you'd better not tell anyone I'm here!" Emmett yelled at the world. Oops, kind of too late for not telling.

**end of vision**

"Well…?" Edward asked impatiently as Rosalie ran off somewhere and came back in a matter of seconds.

"Ahem… let's just say people are going to think that Emmy is psycho." I said as-a-matter-of-factly tone. Hmm… I wonder where Rosalie went…oh I know.

"Be right back," I said.

**Edward POV**

"So if he's fine then we'll just stay here." I said.

"Well it's your fault that he ran off in the firts place poopy head!" Rosalie said to me **(I meant to spell first: firts)**

"Rose that wasn't very nice..." Jasper said in my defense.

"Thank you brother." I said.

"...it's Mr. Poopy head. Get it right." so much for defense.

"Makes me feel so much better." I said sarcastically.

"I still say we go for Emmy." Bella said.

"Ugh. Where's Alice?" I said just when I heard a bang from the kitchen. we all ran off to see what happened.

"Alice what are you doing? You got drunk again?" jasper said.

"Jazzy I swears to drunk I'm not Carlisle," Alice said**. (what she meant was: "Jasper I swear to Carlisle I'm not drunk."- just a little FYI- Carlisle God-ish)**

"Of course you're not," I said.

"Umm Mrs. Pixie? What were you doing?" Bella asked.

"Actually I forgot," Alice said.

"Hey let's go!" Rosalie said and walked out the door.

"Let's follow that example," Jasper said as we all made way to the door.

o0o0o0o0o0o

We headed to what was supposed to be the field -now a big party- and started to look for Emmett.

"EMMY!" Alice.

"EMMY!" Rosalie.

"EMMY!" Bella.

Jasper and I tried to be reasonable and started listening.

"I hear weeping over there," Jasper pointed toward some trees.

"You girls stay here; we're going to look over there," I said pointing in the direction Jasper pointed.

"No way, we're going too," said Bella starting to get sober.

Jasper and I were ahead of the girls but they got in front of us.

"Oh my Carlisle!" Alice yelled and turned around.

"Who-oa!" Rosalie and Bella said in unison then turned around.

I walked over to where they were at and saw a make-out session. I backed away.

"What part of 'Oh my Carlisle' and 'Who-oa' do you not understand? That was like a BIG warning sign right there," Rosalie said.

"The way they were making-out should be rated R," Alice said pretending to gag.

"All though it reminds me of me and Emmett," Rosalie said.

"Well, I for one, could have lived my life happily without knowing that," Bella said.

"To bad, now you know," Rosalie said mater-of-factly.

"Emmett's over there people," Jasper said.

"Emmett!" Alice yelled.

"Shut up!" I said. But Emmett had already started running so the chase began.

"Tackle him!" Alice and Bella yelled like maniacs.

"I'm sorry!" Emmett sobbed but kept running.

"I won't kill you if you stop running," I said in a calm voice.

"Forget you! You're probably lying!"

"Well people are going to know our secret if we keep running like this."

"We're too fast for them to see us."

"Nuh-uh, look," As he turned I tackled him, which looked like a crater hit the ground.

"You cheated!" Emmett sounded disappointed.

"It wasn't a game retard now let's go!" we walked to where our family was. The girls were yelling "Woo-hoo!" and "Do it again!"

"Hey I have an idea!" Emmett said quickly getting over the losing thing. "Let's finish playing 'Truth or Dare'!"

"That's why we came to hunt you down!" Jasper said excitedly because of the girls' emotions.

"You guys are so sweet," Emmett said wiping a fake tear from his cheek.

"Go Emmett your turn!" Rosalie said impatiently.

"Right….Who will be the victim in 'Emmett Almighty's wrath'?" He looked at Alice.

"Umm… We agreed on a new rule Emmett. You can't pick the person who picked you," Alice said.

**Emmett POV**

"What! No fair!" I said.

"Emmett, go!" Bella said.

"Fine Jasper," I said.

"What'd I do?" Jasper said out -of –it.

"Truth or dare?" I asked.

"Man why me?" he asked.

"'Cause I said so," I said.

"Umm…dare…no truth."

"Sorry you said dare first."

"You suck!" he said.

"I dare you to strip naked and – you see those barrels – that's the only thing to cover you," I winked. Then we all started laughing except for Jasper. He had his mouth hanging wide open.

"If you don't close your mouth, Jasper, a fly is going to go in it. I should know it happened to Charlie," Bella said. Now I _really_ laughed. Jasper closed his mouth.

"But there's a party going on," He said.

"Exactly," I said.

"Are you going to back out?" Rosalie asked after recovering from laughing.

"No because if I do, you might give me a worse dare or something between those lines."

"Right you are, my brother, right you are," I said smacking him on the shoulder.

"Why can't you pick a more decent dare?" he asked.

"Because I'm sure that Alice would like it, it's humiliating, and you can't run so people can see you...need I say more?" I said

"Fine gimme a second," He grumbled.

Rosalie whispered something to Bella who whispered it to Alice, which giggle for what seemed like eternity - and I know eternity.

"Jazzy do you need help getting undressed?" Alice asked innocently. That doesn't sound like Alice it sounds like…Rose! That's what rose whispered to Alice. Wow…

"Why yes," He responded.

"Cough, cough! We're still here!" I said disgusted. "Get a room!"

Then they went off to the trees.

**Bella POV**

"I'm bored," I said.

"When aren't you?" Rosalie said

"When Edward is with me."

"You do realize that he is here right?"

"Rose, she means when they're making out," Emmett grinned.

"Emmett shut up!" Edward and I said at the same time.

Then Edward started to have a vampire conversation with Emmett.

Then Alice came back. Rosalie and I started laughing by the time Alice came to stand by Rosalie.

"Didn't you guys have torn shirts?" Emmett asked.

"Yeah, but I think we changed them," Alice said.

"You _think_?" Emmett said.

"Did I stutter?" Alice said.

I was just about to say 'I'm still bored' but someone cut me off by saying "Woo-hoo!" and "Take that barrel off sweet cheeks!" That made us all turn around and start laughing; only Emmett's laugh covered most of it.

"Come on honey show us those buns!" a girl with blond long hair whistled. Rosalie grabbed Alice still laughing.

"I wasn't going to do anything," Alice said not laughing at all.

"Of course you weren't," Edward said in sarcasm yet laughing. The people that were making out came out of their not-so-secret hideout to see what was going on. Just then jasper came-which I could barely see through the tears in my eyes.

"Oh my Carlisle! Bella's having a heart attack!" Rosalie said and then burst out laughing.

"That sucked!" Jasper said.

"Whoa! When did you change?" Emmett said.

"You had your eyes closed for a while," he snapped.

"You were saying it sucked? Why?" Rosalie said in a serious tone then quickly started laughing again.

"Ha ha. Just so you know I'm scarred for life," He said.

"You mean eternity," Edward corrected still chuckling.

Jasper ignored that, grabbed Alice, and passionately kissed her. "Dammit! He was gonna be mine!" and "Awe! That sucks!" were most of the things you heard.

"Let's go," Jasper said without turning back. Alice followed. Emmett and Edward had to carry Rosalie and I because we were still laughing.

o0o0o0o0o0o

Edward carried me to my house because lets' face it I had a long day.

"Stay with me tonight," I asked half asleep.

"I have no reason not to… see you upstairs," With that he put me on my feet and headed for my window.

As I walked inside I hoped Charlie was asleep.

"I'm very disappointed in you," Craaaap.

"Why didn't you put salsa on my taco, you know I like it that way," I looked to see him. Since when does Charlie sleep talk? Whatever. I quickly and quietly went to my room.

"When does Charlie sleep talk?" Edward asked while I got comfortable in my bed.

"I'm asking myself the same question." I said.

"Sleep now, love. Tomorrow is another round."

"Great." I grumbled.

"You're lucky it's not your turn yet."

"Tell me about it." I said. But fell asleep seconds later because Edward started humming my lullaby.

**A/n: sorry about the long wait. I got grounded and then I had a HUGE writers block...ugh. But I got it posted right. Plus I'm working on another story. Well I hope you guys liked it. Anyways REVIEW! :)**


	5. Author's note you must read

Author's note: YOU MUST READ THIS I NEED HELP

**Author's note: YOU MUST READ THIS I NEED HELP!**

Sorry guys for not updating. I have no excuse besides I haven't been really writing. Not only that but because not many people have been reviewing. I need you're help(s). I was thinking of starting a new story (but of course finish this one) they are gonna be random like one-shot stories only those one-shot stories will be the chapters (get me?) So you can write a review or pm mewith your answer.

Thanks super lots!

Meli


	6. Can you say obsessed?

**a/n: OK this should be a good chapter. I came up with it in a matter of ice cream seconds (those are some quick seconds). Well I started laughing during a very sad movie because I thought about it, which caused my mom and dad to think I should go to a mental facility but whatever.**

**Disclaimer: I'm running out of good disclaimers! I'll go simple his time…**

**I don't own the characters from Twilight. –heavy sigh- **

**B pov**

I woke up feeling like I hadn't slept in days.

"Morning, love." The velvet voice next to me said.

"Morning. Ugh massive headaches. That's what I get for drinking the night away." I said rubbing my head.

"You're complaining now but you were laughing in you're sleep." Edward said.

"Well it was one heck of a night." I said trying to recall my dreams, but gave up quickly.

"Ready for another round of truth or dare?" he asked.

"Er, I need a human minute." I said after smelling my breath. I should have brushed last night but nooo I was too tired.

I got up brushed my teeth while turning on the shower. I took a shower, changed and took some aspirin. I knowing that Edward was probably waiting downstairs for me, I sprinted down, only it was more of a Edward-catches-me-before-I-fall-on-my-butt type of sprint.

"I'm getting tired of falling on my butt." I said.

"Don't worry. It's not you're fault… no scratch that; it is you're fault." Alice popped out of nowhere.

"Where'd you come from?" I asked her as I opened a pop-tart an shoved it in my mouth.

"I don't know." she said to herself. "But that's not important. What's important is that you need to get you're klutzy ass in my car. You too Edward."

"I have my own car thank you very much." He said.

"Not anymore. I got Rose to take it home. I want you guys to see the interior in my Porsche." she sounded giddy.

"You just changed it a week ago! Did you change it again?" I asked my mouth full.

"Yep." she said. Through this whole conversation Edward had his mouth hanging open.

"Edward, remember what I told Jasper yesterday. About the fly? Yeah goes for you to." I said. he closed his mouth.

"Alice you know NO ONE is aloud to touch my Volvo!" he said.

"Yeah, yeah. whatever it's done." she said pulling me to her Porsche.

X

After -what felt like hours- talking about the Porsche's interior we came to a stop where Alice threw my over her shoulder and walked in the house.

"OK everyone's butt needs to be on the floor." Alice commanded. And immediately all our butts were down.

"It's my go right?" Jasper asked. Alice nodded.

**Epov**

I wonder if he's thinking of picking me because he was repeating the alphabet in Latin.

"Ok the human. truth or dare?" he said in a sly tone.

"Umm... Dare?" Bella made dare sound like a two syllable word.

"Grrreat." He said evilly. Out of nowhere Emmett laughed and we all looked at him.

"What? He sounded like Tony the Tiger from that Frosted Flakes Cereal." Emmett said chuckling.

"Oookay... Take it easy on her Jasper." I said.

"Ugh, fine. Alice warned me that you would say that, sooo I did some research." He said proud of himself. I was just realizing that every time someone is going to do something-usually something bad- they always sound proud of themselves. Just as i thought that Alice giggled. I tried to read her thoughts but she kept thinking of dogs wearing hats.

"Seriously?" I asked looking at Alice.

"What? Dogs with hats are funny, right Emmett?" She said knowing exactly what I was talking about.

"_Hell_ to the yes!" Emmett said punching the air.

"UGH. Can we get to with the program now?" Rosalie asked impatiently.

"Ok. So it was dare right?" Jasper asked Bella.

"No it was truth." Bella said eating her already short nails.

"Nuh-uh!" Emmett yelled.

"Emmett you're not tutu-man anymore..." Bella said.

"Woo-Hoo!" Emmett said punching the air once more.

_What does he have against air?_ Alice thought, noticing the same thing I did.

"You're Big-mouth Tutu-man! Now shut up!" Bella said.

_Oooo scary_ Rosalie thought, but I ignored it.

"Awwe, man!" Emmett slouched back, pouting.

"Anywho... I dare you to write a _love_," Jasper said knowing that I was looking at him, but not daring to look at me. " letter and raid Erick's room." I growled. Bella's mouth dropped open with a pop-it was the only sound at the time. Then everyone burst out laughing.

"How am I supposed to get in?" Bella's voice went high again. I put my arm around her.

"Bella we're vampires remember." Rosalie said.

"I don't know where he lives..."

"I went there last night." Jasper said evenly.

"Wha-What if someone is home?"

"Bella quit stalling!" Alice yelled.

"It'll be fine." I said trying to calm her down. Alice was the first one to get up and she practically dragged Bella by her arm. We did the same-well except the dragging-Bella-by-her-arm and walked out.

X X X

"I don't know about this..." Bella whispered, as we were hiding behind a bush below Erick's widow.

"Bella for the last time, we have super hearing." Alice said.

"Ugh, fine."

"Alright let's go for it." I said picking Bella up.

**B pov**

I shut my eyes and I felt us land with a soft thud after another. When I opened my eyes, the room seemed like any other teenager's room.

Oh. My. Gawd. I can't do this! For four reasons: 1. I don't like Erick. 2. It's invading his property. 3. I don't want to. 4. I don't want to. Oops. Did i say I don't want to twice? Well that's how much I don't want to.

"Let's get started shall we?" Alice said half laughing. Suddenly I remembered why was here. _Duh! That's the only reason You'd be here Bella!_, I thought to myself. I ran to Edward. I hugged him and he hugged me.

"Bella! Come _on_!" Alice said tugging me. I was comfortable and I knew Edward was to.

"You're so awfully small to be so hugely irritating." Edward said not paying attention to Alice. I dug my face in Edward's chest. No way was I going to pull this off.

"Be-ll-a!" Alice whined jumping lazily up and down. Finally giving up, I let her take me.

"Do you have the letter?" Jasper asked me.

"Yeah. Rosalie made me write it in the car _and_ perfume it." I said glaring at Rosalie.

"Question, where'd you get the perfume if you were in the car, Rosalie?" Edward growled. At least I wasn't the only one upset.

"Alice." she said simply. Edward looked at Alice exactingly.

"Ugh. Details, details." Alice said.

"Where do you think we should put the letter?" Emmett asked looking around the room.

"The computer." we all answered. And then we all looked around to find it. There was a twin size bed -with Pokemon comforter I may add-, a small black dresser, a small TV was on top of a coffee table, and a closet door, but no computer or laptop.

"Looking for the computer will be after the raid?" Emmett said/asked.

Suddenly something caught my nose as Emmett sat on the bed. Yes my nose.**(A/n: touch your nose if this has every happened to you when you've walked in a room. Are you touching it?)**

"What's that smell?" I said scrunching my nose.

"I was thinking the same thing." Rosalie said.

"Let the raid begin!" Jasper said leaning on the door. Then Emmett began singing the Mission Impossible theme song while looking suspicious.**(A/n: I did that in Wal-Mart. Whoop-Whoop! It was funny.)**

I followed the smell which lead me to under the bed. I looked under and there was a small box. I pulled it out and suddenly a whole stench came.

"Bingo," I said pinching my nose.

"Open it." Alice said over my shoulder. I opened it not knowing what to except.

"Time to take out the trash Eric." I said lifting up an old sandwich in a Zip-lock bag, with faded hand writing.

"That looks like Friday's lunch from two weeks ago. And, look, it has a B." he said pointing at the faded words.

"Didn't _I_ save you're lunch by writing you're name on it because you were late for lunch?" Alice said.

"Yeah. I took a bite and threw it away 'cause Edward took me to McDonald's." I said.

"Yep. I remeber Alice made you wear some lipstick, and it's clearly visable." Edward stated.

"Oh my Carlisle. Please tell me that's not you're lunch, Bella." Emmett said.

"Nah, Emmett. It's yours." Rosalie said leaning on me thus, I tipped over falling.

"Oops." I said when I smashed the Zip-lock bag which popped, which blew a gust of disgusting smells in the air.

"Awwe! Bella don't be so klutsy!" Rosalie said holding her breath.

"WHAT? You dropped me!" I said almost passing out.

"Let's move along." Jasper said throwing the sandwich out the window.

"Hit the drawers, Bella" Emmett said.

"Eww, I am _not_ touching his underwear." I said.

"The closet." Jasper said motioning toward the closet door. Emmett started singing but not Mission Impossible.

"Why are you singing Sponge Bob?" I asked.

"Why is the sky blue? Why do birds fly? Why does ice cream melt on a sunny day? Why is Alice so short?" Alice interrupted with a "hey!" but Emmett kept going, "Why are vampires awesome? Why do people say their not crazy because they know their crazy? Why did Nemo from "Finding Nemo" touch the butt, aka boat? The answer, for fun."

"That didn't make sense but ookay." I said continuing toward the closet. And I opend the closet door.

"AAHH!" I said falling on the floor with a thud. My eyes went blank like a flash had gone off. I was probably that shocked.

"Oww. Why does he have a fork in his room." I said pulling the fork from under my butt. Alice and Rosalie got me back up only to have me scream again and fall on my butt again (no fork, thank God).

"Get a grip!" Rosalie said after about the fourth time I fell on my butt.

"That is scary!" I said pointing in the closet. Boogie Man? No. Amy Winehouse? No. Barney? No. Any of those would have been better than what was in front of me.

I saw my life flash before my eyes, literally. From when I moved to Forks until last Friday. There was a time line - very detailed - of pictures of me. Pictures of Edward and I-only Edward's head was cut off and Eric's head replaced his.

"Oh. My. Carlisle... I knew he liked her but I didn't think he was upsesed with her." said a stunned Rosalie. Shoot, everyone was stunned.

"That's not the end. See that little door pull it." Jasper said referring to the little door that was hardly visible. Kind of like a little safe to put money in.

"Can I get a warning this time?" I asked half here half in wherever my other half was.

Everyone probably had their minds blocked because Edward and Emmett came over to see what was going on. As quickly as they came, Emmett burst out laughing.

"Shut up!" Edward whispered-shouted. Emmett muffled the sound with his hand. I heard the front door open.

"Maybe we should go now." I said.

"Open the door. Eric's going to play his PS2 for an 1 hour 13 seconds." Alice said confidently. I glared at her.

I slowly opened the little door.

"Holy crap!" I almost yelled.

There was a ginormous picture of my shoulders and up. Embroidered with fake roses and candles on the sides. On the side there was a little doll that looked like Edward that had a little tag stuck on the hand.

"Is that a voodoo doll? Ha ha! It looks like Eddie" Emmett said with a big grin like a kid on Christmas morning. He picked up the mini Edward.

"Gawd damn! He's phsyco!" Edward said looking at the doll wide eyed.

"Good thing you're as hard as rock." Alice said, then her face went blank.

"Well look at the bright side, Bella. If you lose pictures of yourself you can always come here and steal one. Or it might even _be_ here." Rosalie half teased. I tried to glare while in shock, didn't really work out let me tell you.

"You're a fag. You're a dusche bag. You smell like crap. Go sit on you're mom's lap. You're so sullen. Edward Cullen." Emmett read the little tag that stuck on the doll's hand. "Wonder what that's all about."

"I know what'll happen after you poke it." Edward said answering an inside question in Emmett's little head.

"I found the laptop." Rosalie said laughing like a hyena on crack.

Alice and Emmett grabbed the laptop and in a matter of seconds, burst out laughter. Alice was RFLPAO **(A/n: Roling on the Floor Laughing her little Pixie Ass Off.) **but it looked like she was having a seizure. Emmett was about to hit the small night stand by the bed with so much laughter but Jasper(chuckling) grabbed him before he could.

"Everyone under the bed!" Edward said chuckling. Great, everyone saw whatever they saw but me.

I ducked under the bed, Alice right behind me.

"Scootchy." Alice whispered.

Emmett and Rosalie looked at Alice to make sure Erik wasn't going into the closet. She nodded no, and they went in Jasper following. Edward squeezed in with us. Just then I realized the laptop screen was on. I shot a worried glance at Alice, but she looked humble. Tee-Hee that's a funny word. Humble...hummmmmble...hum-ble. huuum-

"Oooh, that felt good." Eric said. He had just farted. Then again. Then again.

"I shouldn't have eaten those bean burritos for lunch." One word: GROSS. The laptop went on sleep mode just before he looked at it.

I heard the door close, I looked to see Edward already getting out from under the bed.

"Well those were some disturbing seconds." Jasper said once he got out of the closet. **(a/n: Well that sounded funny. If you didn't get it re-read that sentence again.)**

"Those farts were LOUD." I said.

"Imagine farts that loud only, oh I don't know, 5 TIMES LOUDER." Rosalie said disgusted.

"Anyways. I want to see what you guys were looking at." I said.

"Here." Alice said handing me the laptop.

I moved the mouse pad to get it out of sleep mode. Oh my gawd. His desktop screen was a picture of me. Only it wasn't me. Sure the head but, the body was someone eles' completely. It was my head on another girl's body - who was wearing a bikini- with a dog licking my face. But that dog scared the shit out of me. Eric's head was pasted on the dog's body.

"Poor dog." Emmett chuckled.

I was speechless.

"Let's put the letter here and let's get out of here." I said taking it out of my pocket.

"Eh, eh, eh. Read it out loud." Emmett said.

"Don't put her through any more torture." Edward said laughing. So much for having my back.

"Read it." Jasper said. Oooo. He's going to regret that when I turn into a vampire.

"Dear Eric,

I need to tell you this before I go crazy or I do anything stupid in my life. I am madly in love with you. Don't ask how I got in you're room to deliver this to you. You turn me on." As I said it I shot glares at Rosalie. Of course she came up with the words. I just wrote them. "This isn't even subtle, I know. But, I need to get it out. Sorry this is so short but, I'm in a hurry. Love, Bella."

Everyone burst out laughing. I put the letter on the laptop and went to Edward, who was vibrating with laughter. He put his arms around me still laughing.

"Rose, is that how you feel about Eric 'cause I know you told her to write that." Emmett said between laughs.

"Over my pile of ashes." She said and fled out the window.

"Eric! Did you leave the TV on in your room?" his mom asked.

"Lemmie check!"

"Let's split." Edward said as he picked me up. Alice, Edward and I jumped out the window. Edward put me down to brush himself off.

**Em pov**

"Hurry up Emmett. Just drop the doll!" Jasper said leaping out of the window.

"Fine!" I said and threw the doll over my shoulder. It smashed against the wall, only a little too loud.

"Oh my Carlisle are you ok?" I heard Alice say.

I looked through the window and found Edward smashed against the tree. Oops.

"Get the doll." Edward said pulling himself out of the tree. I grabbed the doll and ran out the window just as the door opened.

"Move it. time to go!" I whispered and we ran.

**A/n: So hope you guys liked this chapter. Sorry it took me so long to update my brain est mort. Tee-hee. If you guys want to know what I use for my sugar highs COOKIES! and ice cream and basically anything that has sugar. Need anything clarified pm me or review. REVIEW! XD!**


	7. Lipsitck is what?

A/N: So hope you liked the last chapter

**A/N: So hope you liked the last chapter. See if you can find the quote from Breaking Dawn I put in. On with the story...**

**Disclaimer: Does it look like I own anything? And if it does, well I don't! -sobs-**

B pov

I HATE TRUTH OR DARE.

No that's a lie. I really, really,_ really_, don't like it when I have to do a dare. I should have picked truth. Whatever, it's in the past and now it's my turn to humiliate someone. Mwhahaha!

We were on our way back to the Cullen's house, running I may add-of course I was on Edward's back, holding on for dear life. Turns out after Emmett made Edward hit the tree Eric's dad came out and caught a little glimpse of Emmett.

"Do you think they'll catch us?" Emmett asked for the fifth time.

"Does it look like they are vampires smart-one?" Rosalie said hitting him on the back of his head.

"Hey! It wasn't my fault! Edward crashed into the tree!"

"Yeah, because you and that stupid voodoo doll." Rosalie said slapping him in back of his head again. Bossy!

"Home sweet home." Alice said running in before us.

"Finally." Emmett said.

"Sit and we can start. It's almost 7:00(pm) and Charlie is going to call Bella at 8:30." We did as told.

"Bella go for it." Emmett said impatiently.

Now was the time for humiliation.

"Rosalie, truth or dare?" I chose Rosalie because of the things she did to me during my dare (i.e. dropping me causing me to fall on the old sandwich and blaming me, etc, etc.)

"I have to keep my reputation so dare." she said looking bored. Well she won't be bored after I tell her the dare.

**A pov**

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Rose is gonna DIE!

**R pov**

What's the worse thing Bella can do. I mean she's human; it's got to be easy. Alice looked like she was about to explode but, I ignored it.

"Alice don't spill the beans." Bella said. Alice pretended to zip her lips.

"Emmett, pass me that red nail polish behind you." I told him. Hey, I was bored.

"Stupid, super-ficitial bitch." he said under his breath.

"Excuse me?" no way was I going to let him go away with that. "You're not _getting some_ for three days."

He punched the air.

"Anyways, I dare you to let Emmett or Jasper to give you a make-over. And you have to go to the mall with you're make-over. You can't see it until we're in the mall, but no washing off." Bella said confidently. Everyone laughed.

"What!? No way! Jasper doesn't know lipstick from lip-gloss. And Emmett, well he's just lost." I said running out of breath.

"Are you chickening out Rose? Oh my Carlisle. What is world coming to?" Edward said sarcastically. Bella giggled. Ugh.

"I'm _not_ backing down Edward Anthony Mason Cullen. I _never_ back down." I said brushing through my hair.

"OK let's get started then shall we?" Bella said giggling.

"Who's is gonna be Rose? Emmett or Jasper?" Alice looked at me quizzically.

"Emmett." I chose him because I'm gonna make him do a good job. Edward quirked and eyebrow at me. I stuck my tongue out at him.

"Why me?" Emmett asked.

"Just 'cause." I said.

"To my room!" Alice said picking Bella up and running to her room.

"Hooray." I said with no emotion.

"Sit." Alice ordered me.

"Do I have to?"

"Do you really want to mess with me Rose?" Alice said a hand on her hip.

"No." I said quietly. Hey, she was a pixie who packed a big ass punch.

**Em pov**

"What the hell is this?" I asked Alice.

"Don't worry about it. Just put it on wherever you think it goes." Alice whispered to me.

"Why are we whispering?" I whispered back.

"Because if Rose hears us she'll tell you something about the make up." She said still whispering.

"Don't listen to whatever she says about where to put the make up, OK." Bella whispered.

"OK." I said.

"Hurry up!" Rose said impatiently.

"OK."

"We can't see what you're putting on her soo... we're going to the living room with the guys." Alice said leaving the room with Bella.

"Let's start already." Rosalie said.

"Stupid slut." I said under my breath.

"_What_ did you say?"

"I said I have a big butt."

Ok where does this thin black stick go? Whatever, you go on there. This red thingy...goes on...here! Ha I'm so smart.Alice called this circle thing blush, so I'll put it on here. This make up thing is easy. Where does _this_ thing go...

**A pov**

Oh my Carlisle. I'd better not get a vision to ruin this crap.

"Emmett doesn't know where any make up goes right?" Bella asked

"No." I said looking through my purse.

"Jaz, come here real quick." I said putting lipstick and lip-gloss in front of me.

"Ugh, wha-at." He whined.

"What's this?" I pointed to the lipstick.

"Lipstick."

"And this?"

"Lip-gloss." Jasper said bored.

He did know the difference. Ha! I poured all the stuff from my bag to the couch.

"Wow I'm surprised all that fit in there." Edward said.

"Shut up!" I said.

"What are you doing?" Bella said sitting by me.

"Testing something." I said.

"He's not going to know them." Edward said reading my thoughts.

"I'll play you rock paper scissors for it." I told him.

"Why don't you just tell me who's gonna win."

"Me. Excellent."

I still kept pouring stuff out of my purse and started pointing to the stuff while Jasper named them.

"Eyeliner. Mascara. Blush. Eye shadow. Foundation. Lip liner. What are you trying to prove here?" He was totally correct but how did he know all of them?

"How do_ you_ know the entire make up products?" Bella asked Jasper.

"I... uh, just do."

"Wow. You read Cosmo?" Edward read his thoughts.

"It was just lying on the floor and I just happened to pick it up." Jaz said nervously.

"TA-DA!" We all turned to look at Emmett standing by Rosalie.

I burst out laughing. I was laughing so hard I accidentally pounded a hole in the couch. Oops. Rosalie had lipstick on her cheeks, eyeliner as lip liner, blush as eye shadow, eye shadow as lipstick, lip liner as eye liner, foundation...just everywhere.

Her shirt was a leopard pattern that had a big flower attached to it. Pants...wow. They were some blue sweats that were outlined in a neon orange stitch. She had on some Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz look a-like shoes on. Her hair was in a side ponytail that looked like it was supposed to be a strait pony tail, and a of bunch of stray hairs going everywhere. None of her clothes matched. It was a mystery how Emmett got dressed everyday. I swear Rosalie looked like a retarded ass clown.

"What?! _What?!_ I swear I'm going to kick all of you're asses!" Rosalie was fuming.

"Hey, I did a pretty damn good job!" Emmett said crossing his arms on his chest.

"To the mall!" I managed to say.

**R pov**

They're gonna die! They're gonna _die_! THEY ARE GOING TO DIE!

After the laughing calmed down-which was a good 10-15 minutes- we were on our way to the mall. This was going to be so humiliating.

**A/n: I hope you guys liked this chapter. I'm going to try to find pictures of the clothes Rosalie is wearing and I'll post them on my profile. Just an FYI I have chapter 7 written but I just need reviews. This chapter came sooner-ish right? Well if it took long I have a pretty good reason for it. I fell in love again.-hearts in eyes- But whatever... REVIEW! :)**


	8. The costomer is ALWAYS right

**A/n: Can I get a whoop-whoop! -crickets- That's the spirit! As you can see I changed my user name. Sorry if that might be confusing.**

**Disclaimer: **

**Roses are red**

**Violets are blue**

**I wish I owned Twilight**

**I bet you do too!**

**Em pov**

I don't know why everyone was laughing. I thought I did a kick-ass job on the make over.

"You so didn't just say kick-ass." Edward said reading my thoughts as I pouted.

_I just said kick-ass and what _Eddie_?... Oh yeah flipping people off is _real_ mature._

"It's better than saying kick-ass, sticking you're tongue out, or singing the Fun Song."

_Oh you sooo didn't just dis the Fun Song!_

"Alice, Edward just dissed the Fun Song!" I told her.

"Oh hell no!" she said in the driver's seat.

"What!? I'm marring someone who doesn't like the Fun Song?" Bella gasped.

"From the top!" Alice counted down.

"F is for friends who do stuff together, U is for you and meee, N is for anywhere at anytime at all down here in the deep blue sea!" We all sang besides Edward, Jasper, and Rose.

"It burns my ears!" Jasper said as Alice slapped him on the head.

"Are we there yet? I want to get this crap over with." Rosalie said trying to sneak a peek at herself from the side mirrors.

"Nice try." I said getting in her way.

"Emmett. See these nails? I just painted and filed them. Don't make me break them when I slap the shit outta you." Rosalie said calmly.

"J-Jasper it's your turn to make sure she doesn't see herself." I said backing away.

"We're here!" Alice said in her chirpy little pixie mood.

**R pov**

Finally. I narrowed it down to two people to be my victims, but first things first; I need to see what I look like.

"Not 'till we get in. Right, love?" Edward said. Bella nodded her little bobble head.

As we started to walk I got stares, snickers, and sneers.

"The three S's?" Edward asked me.

"Huh?" Bella asked.

"The three S's: stares, snickers and sneers." Edward said matter-of-factly.

"JasperIdon'twanttobeseenwithRose. Let'sgothisway." Alice said vampire speed.

"I heard that." I growled. I might be blond but I'm not stupid.

"Heard what?" Alice said turning a little.

"Do we know you?" Jasper said grabbing Alice by the waist and speeding up.

"You guys aren't gonna desert me too, are you?" I asked Bella and Edward.

"Let's go to Wal-Mart!" Edward said leading Bella away.

"Guess it's just you and me right, Em?"

"Where's the circus?" some Goth/Emo kids said as they walked by laughing. Emmett walked towards Edward and Bella whistling.

UGH. I probably look hideous.

I got a text message from Edward, it read:

_meet at wal-mart. electronic section. yea, u do look dat hideous. LOL_

I text back:

_screw u. rot in hell. c u at wal-mart :P_

People walked by and laughed pointing at me. A couple with a four-year old walked by as the adults tried-but not successfully- to stifle their laughs when their child said, "Mommy! She looks like grandma when she died."

Just then my phone beeped signaling another text message which said:

_its bella. did u pik ur victim ;3_

My text said:

_i narrowed it dwn 2 ur hubbie and pixie 8p_

She replied:

_o0o niiiiice LOL xD_

As I walked toward Wal-Mart I saw someone I recognized.

"Oh for the love of crap...not this" I muttered under my breath.

"Heeey, Blondie! Where are the rest of the bloodsuckers?" Jacob said. When I looked up to glare at him, he nearly jumped two feet and backed away.

"Holy shit! Did you fall in the make up isle?" He said.

"I don't think you want to mess with me dog."

"I don't think I _want_ to mess with you." and he walked off to Claire's.

_hurry! ur takin 4eva! dog wz wit u huh?_ Alice texted.

I replied:

_duh!! im sooo pissed off rite now_

As I walked to Wal-mart I made sure I didn't know anyone, and I didn't, thank Carlisle. I walked toward my family-who were acting more like strangers- when Emmett popped out with a mirror and yelled "Taa-da!"

SHIT! I LOOK LIKE A DUCSHE BAG!

"Emmett. You. Are. So. Dead." I said about to lunge at him.

"Hold it! Jas, control this woman please." Alice said shaking her head.

Stupid pixie, ruining my go at Emmett. I felt a wave of calmness wash over me. Edward was laughing hysterically as Emmett hid behind a big screen TV.

"The power of God repels you!" Emmett yelled at me making a crucifix with his fingers.

Everyone burst out laughing and Jasper lost a hold of me. I took advantage of the precious moment, lunged at Emmett and started chocking the living-death out of him. I punched him in the gut. An elderly couple that was walking by looked like they were about to have a heart attack.

"Whatcha looking at old man?! That's right just keep walking!" Ok I completely lost it, but I don't care.

Edward and Jasper jumped on my trying to restrain me, but really didn't put an effort to it.

A crowd gathered around with Bella and Alice and they all started yelling, "Hit him in the eye!", "Sock him!", and "Bitch-slap him!"

"I'mgonnadie!I'mgonnadie!I'mgonnadie!Thisistheend!Thisistheend!Thisistheend!" Emmett kept saying over and over.

Suddenly I felt really calm and I got up. Jasper put his powers to the test. I dusted myself off and walked away to stand by Alice and Bella. Jasper and Edward were trying to block everyone's view of Emmett, as he tried to place an arm-I managed to take off-back in place. I ripped it off and smacked him with it a few times and it felt good!

"All right nothing to see!" I yelled at the people. That walked away scared to death.

"Let's go." I said and was followed by my family.

We walked by Anchor Blue - the guys behind us - when Alice stopped.

"No shopping, Alice!" We all yelled and looked at each other.

"I have no idea what you guys are talking about." she replied putting down some jeans.

"Let's get this over with; I don't want to stay looking like a retard." I said in what my family would call my Crappy Crap Mood.

"Never mind." I said an evil plan already forming in my head. _Must block thoughts. Must block thoughts. Must bloc-_

"What are you planning, Rosalie?" Edward said frustrated that he couldn't read my thoughts. I quickly thought of something else, something disturbing.

"Rosalie! I would appreciate if you wouldn't think about that!" Edward said. Ha! It worked.

"What was she thinking about?" Bella asked Edward.

"I'll tell you later."

"Oooh. You were thinking about _that_?" Emmett asked me.

"It never fails." Alice commented.

"So true, so true." Jasper replied.

"Rose, you wouldn't!" Alice gasped.

"Try me." I stuck out my tongue.

"You are soooo mean, Rosalie Hale." She glared.

"Truth or dare?" I asked her. I had a perfect plan for truth _and _dare.

"Dare." She said eyeing my suspiciously. I guess she saw the truth but not the dare. Mwahahaha! The family stopped breathing in suspense.

"I dare you to go around the mall grabbing guys' butts until they turn around and look at you."

"WHAT!?" Alice and Jasper said at the same time.

"N-n-n-n-no. Gimme consequences. Yeah, right?" she asked Jasper. Jasper shook his head like 30 times.

Emmett, Edward, Bella and I gathered in a circle.

"Go around the mall grabbing guy's butts? Really?" Emmett asked shaking his head.

"Well, getting back on topic, we should make her do another dare. Ooo and a truth; not that heavy of a dare." Bella said.

"I like how you think." Emmett said.

"Kicked out of a store." Edward said very quietly.

"Huh?" Emmett said not catching on.

"Yeah. Her _favorite _store." Bella said getting excited.

I turned around to face Alice and Jasper.

"Ok, Alice, you're consequence_s_ are two. Answer a Truth truthfully and you have to do a dare. Pick which one you want to do first." I said.

"Ugh. You suck! Er...give me the dare first."

"I dare you to get kicked out of you're favorite store." I said simply.

"I hate you." she said and stalked off.

"Good Will is sooo not you're favorite store." Bella said.

"Their clothes are fashionable and trendy." she said with a grimace.

"On Mars." Emmett said crossing his arms.

"Ugh fine." and she lead us to her _real_ favorite store.

**A pov**

Ugh! This sucks big hairy monkey balls. I'm probably their best customer. As I walked inside, Chad-yes I know them all by name. That's how much I come here - came to greet me.

"Hi, Alice"-yes they know me too- "Need any help?" He asked me.

"Chad, why the hell won't you let me at least pick something up? Does it look like I need any f'ing help?" I told him. Usually I would say 'yeah I'm looking for something for Bella again'.

"Sorry, Alice. If you need anything just come and get me." He said hurt and walked away.

Awwe. I feel bad now. Oh well.

As I picked up a light yellow shirt I yelled enough for probably Neptune to hear me.

"What is this supposed to be? New redefined shirt on freakin' steroids?!" I looked through the corner of my eye and saw my family laughing pretending to look at some clothes. A blond quickly put down a shirt because of what I said.

"Hey," I tapped on Sarah, an employee, shoulder roughly. "I want to know what kind of fabric this shirt is made of." I told her not polite at all.

"Well, it's a new special quality-" she said eyes lit until I cut her off.

"Screw that! You're wrong!"

"Excuse me?" she said confused.

"I thought the customer policy was the freaking customer is _always_ freaking right! So ha, you're wrong! This is CRAP!" I yelled in her face.

"Um..." she started but I walked off.

I looked around the store for my next victim. Hmm... ooo there was a tall girl who looked happy drinking her iced coffee. She was browsing through some jeans. Mwahaha!

"Hey, Too-Tall. That shirt is mine." I said close enough to her iced coffee.

"Whaddya call me, Shortie?" she said turning red and looking like she would eat me.

"You heard me!" I said grabbing the coffee and pouring it all over her.

I ran and dropped all the clothes off hangers, pulled jeans off racks, and threw all the water out of a bucket with a mop. I kicked shoes out of their boxes, almost crying because there were some _adorable_, _to die for_ shoes. I knocked over about 9 manikins before security came running around the store trying to catch me. I threw a manikin at a security guard.

"Excuse me Miss. I'm going to have to ask you to leave the store." Said the tall, buff one.

"You can't make me!" I said punching him in the stomach which caused him to say "_Ooff_!"

"Oooo. That's gotta hurt." I heard Emmett say. I ran to counter and jumped on Steve, a geeky looking clerk.

"What the-! Alice?!" he yelled before I took his glasses. I saw a flash. Crap. News reporters were here already?

"My glasses! I can't see without them!"

"Oh, boo-hoo! Suck it up! Be a man!" I told him and hopped off running with the glasses.

"Ma'am, please. Exit the store!" the lankier security guard said.

"Make me!" I said throwing jewelry at both of them.

"That's enough." someone said as I was being lifted by my shirt.

"Hey let go!" I said and turned to look at the person.

"Play along or they'll take you to jail." Emmett whispered through his teeth. He was wearing the complete security guard outfit.

"OK." I sighed. I was having fun too.

"I got it all under control, officers." he said.

**Em pov**

"NO! YOU MOLESTER! LET ME GO!" Alice yelled throwing a fit. Great. This is the thanks I get.

"Calm it!" I said through my teeth.

"HE'S TELLING ME HE'S GONNA RAPE ME! HELP!"

"Alice shut the hell up!"

"AAAHHH!" that's was her last scream until I took her out of the mall.

Everyone was in the car by the time we arrived. Of course they were laughing their asses off like any normal person. I threw Alice in the back seat. She was proud of her work and I could tell by the big, huge, pixie grin.

"So let me get this strait. I'm in there to save you're little pixie butt and you're in there calling me a molester. Did I get it all!?" I scolded her. (Hee hee. I always wanted to say scolded).

"Yep." she said making the 'P' pop.

"Wow. That was too funny to be true." Rosalie said.

"You...are...an...evil...little...pixie." Bella said trying to catch her breath.

"I'm so proud of you, Al! You actually pulled it off!" Jasper said with a chuckle, putting his arm over her shoulders.

"What about me?! She called me a molester and a rapist!" I yelled.

"Awwe. Is Emmy mad?" Edward said making kissy lips.

"Shut up and drive!" I yelled at his kicking the back of his seat.

"Hey, it's your car." he said shrugging.

"Edward. Shut up and drive, drive, drive." Bella sang the 'Shut up and drive' song. Soon everyone was singing and laughing as we drove off. For the next 30 minutes that was all I heard and thought about:_ Shut up and drive, drive, drive, drive..._

**A/n: Yay? Nay?**

**Woo! -wipes forehead- that was a looooong chapter. I just had to put Emmett as a security guard. When Rosalie gave Alice her first dare it was kind of...too heavy-twitch, twitch-. Anywhoo, I might end this story in two more chapters because I have a lot of other stories in mind that I want to accomplish (I've been spelling because wrong a lot. I don't know why; I'm spelling it becasue. I'm as clueless as you). I'm so proud of myself for coming up with that poem as a disclaimer-wipes off tear-. Well if you guys have any ideas for a dare or truth please review so I can get the next chapter DOWN! Now review 'cause I gave you something to read. LOL. :3**


	9. Knomes, Loose Arms, and Panties

**E POV**

As I drove out of the mall -my family still singing _Shut Up And Drive_- I rummaged through Alice's thoughts. I was looking to see if there was anything that could give me a clue of who she was going to pick, but came up with nothing. Well besides what she was thinking which was:

_Get out of my head, Edward! Ima' give you a wedgie when we get home! I'm going to beeping beep you up! Yeah that's right, look away 'cause you know you are going through my head! Fine, if you won't get out of my head, you leave me no choice..._

And then she thought the same thing Rosalie had so I _had_ to look away **(A/n: Want to know what it is? Do ya? Do ya, do ya, do ya? Well you have to wait! Mwahahahaha!)** I decided to get that...picture out of my head because it was to..._wow_. I started reading thoughts to keep my mind off of it:

Emmett: _I am not a molester! How could she say that about me?! I didn't touch her!_

Rosalie: _I NEED to get this f'ing make up off! GASP!!! Is that a split end?!_

Jasper:_ It's a thief in the night to come and grab you. It can creep up inside you and consume you..._

Bella: _..._

Alice: -

No! Never Mind!

**A Pov**

Mwahahahahah! This is so much fun! I'm kinda' depressed that I got kicked out of my favorite store. **(A/n: A lot of you wanted to know what her favorite store was... Well it is Dolce and Gabbana.) **Oh, well!

"I'm hungry," Bella whined putting her forehead on the window.

"I knew you would say that. Edward there's a McDonald's up ahead," I said thinking.

It was almost dark; perfect for my dare. Bella went to go order while we sat; people staring at us every chance they got. My Blackberry vibrated signaling a text message. It was from Emmett.

E: Who r u picking???

A: U =P

E: AHHH!!! ur not fair!

A: =P so? ur point? XD!

E: I HATE U

A: aww ur soooo sweet! but j/k. I'm picking………I'm not telling u.

E: =(

A: HA U HAV A UNIBROW! LMAO XD

"Why are you texting him if he's right in front of you?" Rosalie said annoyed. She was sitting next to Emmett who was sitting in front of me. Jasper was sitting next to me, Bella was next to him and Edward was next to Rosalie.

"Leave it to you to ruin the moment, huh, clown?" I teased her while she glared at me.

Once everyone sat down the game began once again

"So..." Emmett began.

"Soo..." I said.

"Hurry," Bella said with her mouth full of Big Mac, revolting. I stuck my tongue out at her, she tried to do the same but instead, food just came out.

"Truth or dare... Edward," I said keeping my voice monotone.

"Dare," he said glaring.

"I dare you to go to Jessica or Lauren's house steal their underwear, put it on your head and go around the neighborhood screaming 'I'm the panty lord!'" I said quickly, glaring.

"Bhat?! Jur kildin wight?" Bella said while chewing.

"Swallow, woman!" I said.

"No," He finally said through his teeth, still glaring.

"It's a dare," I said through _my_ teeth. He got up and walked off toward the car.

"Wow you got him really P.O.'d," Jasper said shaking his head.

"Ahh, he'll get over it in twenty seconds," I said dismissing it with a shake of my hand.

"How?" He asked me.

"When I save Bella because she chokes on a fry," I said checking my Blackberry for the time.

Only ten seconds. 4, 3, 2. Bella started choking and turned purple.

"Here we go," I said patting her back very soft for me but hard enough to get her face back to normal color.

"Oh my Carlisle! How could I have left her here with her being a klutz? Thank you for saving her Alice," Edward said being his overprotective self.

"Wow. Nice," Emmett whispered to me as I smirked.

**Epov**

HOW COULD I HAVE NOT SEEN THIS COMING?! I just hope no one sees me. I shuddered just think about it. Bella and Alice -who were now sitting next to me- were laughing uncontrollably, as we made our way to Jessica's house. I didn't choose _Jessica,_ we flipped a coin.

"Here we are," Emmett announced from the driver seat.

_More like here you are to you're eternally doomed. Mwahahahah! _ Jasper thought.

"Let's get this over with," I sighed getting out of the car.

"Uhh, where's Jessica?" Emmett asked Alice.

"She's sleeping over Lauren's house while her parents are at some party," She said walking ahead of us.

"How do you guys know these things?" Bella mumbled.

"We have our resources," She replied as we sneaked in.

**Cordelia pov (Other character that is 67 years old)**

It all started with me sitting on my couch remembering about the good old days. (**A/n: Do you realize that that's all old people talk about? "The good old days?")** My couch faced the window, looking out towards the woods. Now, my eyes, as old as they are, still are at use to me. And I know robbers when I see one. Make that 6 robbers that looked like they were porcelain skinned besides one that had a pretty color in her cheeks.

I was terrified! I grabbed the phone from the receiver my hands shaking more than they usually do.

"Sweet, Lord, they are going in!" I couldn't seem to find the nine on the key-pad. Did they even put a nine on the phones these days? Oh found it!

"Forks Police Department. What's you're emergency?" A scruffy voice said.

"Is Chief Swan there?" I said hurriedly.

"Cordelia, is that you again?"

"Yes, is-"

"Chief Swan isn't here; it's his day off. Now, let me guess... The gnomes in your front lawn are talking to you again?"

"No-"

"Or is it the magnates that are jumping out at you and attacking?"

"Now, listen here those magnates were demons I tell you DEMONS! But that's beside the point."

"So...what's your point?"

"My point is...give me a second I forgot. Umm, oh yes burglars are entering the Stanley's' house."

"Well why didn't you say so!? We are on our way!"

**A pov**

"Edward Anthony Mason Cullen. If you do not put this underwear on your head and get out there on the street in 5 seconds, you _will_ face my powerful wrath," I said holding up a pair of white, pink flowered panties.

"Don't take Alice's wrath lightly. I'm just giving you a heads up," Jasper commented seriously to him.

"Ooo. I'm scared," Edward's words dripping with sarcasm.

"Fine have it your way. Emmett hold him," I said as Emmett restrained him. "Bella you might not want to see this," Bella turned around knowing it was for her own good.

As Emmett was holding him, I ripped his arm off. I knew it wouldn't hurt because we vampires are cool like that. Then I started whacking him with his own arm.

"Why are you hitting yourself, huh?" I repeated over and over while hitting him.

"Give. Me. My .Arm. Back," he said through the blows.

"Put the underwear on your head"

Eventually we started chasing each other all around Jessica's room.

"Put it on your head!"

"No! Give me my arm back!" he yelled as I aimed. Emmett took the chance and pulled the underwear over Edward's head blinding him momentarily.

"Now, I dub thee panty lord," I said giving him his arm back. He tried to hit me but of course, with my psychic powers and all, I was just in time to dodge.

"Fine let's get this over with," he said in defeat.

**R pov**

"Rosalie, what are you smuggling behind your back?" Edward asked me in his grumpy mood.

"Thanks for asking, I'm smuggling Bella," I gave him one of my innocent smiles. He just looked at me suspiciously.

"What are you going to do with that?" Jasper asked as he caught a glimpse of my goods.

"For real! I'm helping you smuggle things and I don't even know what it's for," Bella said holding a bottle of bleach.

"The camera is for humiliation, and the bleach is to spice things up," I said explaining to both of them. Was I the only one with common sense?

"Cool," Jasper replied as we headed out the house.

"Keep a low profile, Bella. And, Jasper use your 'wise-ness' to make Edward drink this," I handed Bella the camera.

"On it," Jasper said, as he headed toward Edward.

**J pov**

_Edward..._

He looked up at me.

_Here, it's to take the edge off._

He took the bottle from my hands, and I walked toward Alice.

"Great idea," she giggled.

"I know. I am a pure genius," I said shrugging.

"Hey genius! Rose told me too! And it was her idea," Emmett said punching my arm. I slapped the back of his head, which lead to us to smacking each other.

**A pov**

"When will both of you grow u-" I started.

**~VISION~**

"Forks Police Department, what's your emergency?"

"Is Chief Swan there?"

...

"A robber..."

**~END-O-VISION~**

Mwahaha! At least I won't get caught.

"What did you see?" Edward asked me as I put the mental picture in my head.

"Nothing..." I said innocently.

"Alice...." he pressed.

"Get out of my head," I said about to reveal something in my head.

"Ahh! Don't please!" he turned away.

"What did you do to block him out?" Bella asked looking at his reaction. I pulled her aside to explain.

"Sorry, Bella. It's just the only way to get Edward out of our heads is to think of you in a red two piece bathing suit. And if he still doesn't we kind of imagine you taking a piece off," I giggled trailing off.

"But I never wore a red bathing suit."

"Well I was looking at a magazine with a cute bathing suit and I just put you and it together." I said as she blushed crimson.

"You are never dressing me again."

"Awwe don't be mad, Bella!"

"So why exactly does he look away?"

"He gets tempted...very tempted. It's a wonder why he doesn't rip your clothes of right there and then."

"You are an evil little pixie. After this dare I'll be happy with you again ok?"

"Okay," I sighed. "Ready, panty lord?" he of course growled.

"Oh no you didn't," I said snapping my fingers.

"If I wasn't so disgusted, you would be dead by now," he told me holding the underwear like it would bite.

"Hate to break this to you but, I'm already kinda dead."

"Ok, whatever! It's game on!" Emmett said impatient.

"Uggghhh!" Edward grunted as Emmett shoved the underwear on his head.

**E pov**

"Lewitsky, lewitsky! I'm the panty lord!" I am so going to kill Alice.

"Look at me! I'm the panty lord bow to my royal be hinny!" Why was I putting so much effort into this? Damn Jasper, his powers, and the bleach!

"You there!" I said pointing to a couple walking," Hand over the panty to the panty lord!" scared to death, they started walking faster.

"Lord of the panties I am. I am the lord of the panties but my name is not smelly Sam! See the panties on my head? These were from a fat an named Fred! I don't collect shoes, and I don't know why all my rhymes sound like Dr. Seuss!" I sang over and over. I looked to see my family looking like they were about to cry from laughter if that was possible.

"I'm the pretty panty lord! That's me!" I yelled skipping and pointing at me.

" Don'tcha wish your girlfriend had panties like these?! Don'tcha wish your girlfriend had panties like me?! Don'tcha, aaahaa, don'tcha," I awesomely sang. Gawd, I needed to get off this buzz.

**A pov**

We were hiding behind dumpsters but that's besides the point. Really, I don't have a point at this moment. Edward was doing a runway walk though, and I was trying to control my laughter-which was close to impossible- because something important was about to happen. I just couldn't remeber what.

"Bella, take the picture!" Rose said between laughs.

"I...I can't!" Bella replied trying to steady the camera.

"Here I'll do it," Jasper was in more control that all of us combined. Snap, snap, done. Lights flashed once...then again. Blue and red lights to be exact. Damnit! That's what I forgot.

"Forks police! Freeze!" a scruffy voice commanded.

We all stood silently even Edward. Two police men came out with pink plastic handcuffs. Of course _we_ could break out easily but that would ruin our cover as humans.

"Alice what the hell?!" Rosalie hissed.

"I totally forgot. Sorry. Blame Edward!" I defended.

"Sorry isn't gonna bail us out is it?" Emmett said vampire speed.

"Cullens? Isabella? Isabella Swan? Boy is chief Swan gonna get a kick out of this. Ok deal is, you have the right to remain silent anything you say and do will be used against you in the court of law. You guys get the point," the man said.

"Umm, why does he have underwear on his head?" the other one said.

"Because, I am the panty lord," Edward anounced with his hand on his hip.

"Sorry, um our brother has health issues," Rosalie replied, "Meaning, he is menatly challenged."

"Right," the man said scratching his head.

.*.

"What do we do now?" Emmett asked sitting on the concrete bench.

"Game over," Bella said putting her head on the bars.

"Charlie's comming in 30 minutes when you call him, Bella," I said leaning on Jasper.

"UUUUGGGHH! Do I have to tell him? I mean, it _is_ his day off," Bella groaned.

"Uuuuh. I'm trying to brain storm. Yes you have to tell him," I sighed.

"Either that or the last option," Edward said.

"Which is...?" Bella asked as Edward raised on eyebrow.

"Great, I can't _see_," I grummbled

.*.

"So what were you guys in there for?" Jacob said as we drove to our house.

**Three days later**

**R pov**

"Can we make this snappy," I told the cashier changing my decions. I did this so Alice wouldn't _see_ what I was doing.

"Umm, yes, of course," The man said, "Would you like to see the calenders?"

"No I know exaclty what is in it thank you," I said grabbing the two boxes effortlesly.

I headed toward my car and threw the boxes in my trunk. My great plan was to take a picture of all the dares -besides mine of course- and make a calender of them. That was what confused everyone durring the dares with the flashes. I had to keep changing my mind because I was afraid Alice would know what I was planning and I kept my mind blank when I was around Edward. And today I had the calenders finally printed out. I was going to sell them at school, because who wouldn't want a calender of the Cullens acting retarded for once?

I picked up my family and headed toward school. Once they had headed toward class i took out the boxes when the Newton boy was by my side asking what I was doing. I told him if he wanted to buy something for five dollars and naturally he said yes. I handed him a calender.

"Cool!" he said and ran off toward Eric who came by also. Pretty soon I was surounded.

"Do you realize you are selling yourself out?" Jessica replied grabbing 6 calendars.

"Sure, right," I said as she tore out the June picture of Edward in all of the calenders and threw the others away.

"ROSALIE HALE!" Alice called infuriated holding a calender to March with her climbing on a man at Dolce and Gabana.

"Rose! How could you?!" my monkey man called holding out Febuary with his tutu picture singing his little heart out.

"ROSALIE!" Edward yelled with Bella in his arms tomato red, holding out his June underwear cat walk picture and Bella's September blank look picutre.

"ROSALIE!" Jasper roared holding out his December butt naked picture.

"Sorry, gawd can't take a joke?" I laughed. Soon my family was laughing.

"What?" I stopped laughing. I grabbed a calender and my make over picture was on January, April, May, July, August, October, and Novermber, all in different poses.

"JASPER!!!!!!!!!" I screamed at the top of my lungs. _He_ was the only one with access to my camera. _He_ was the only one I allow touch my camera. _HE DID IT!_

"I sugest we leave right now," Edward growled. We all headed back to our cars and drove fast not sure what would happen.

**_______________________________________________________________________**

**Well every story comes to an end and this one ends here. I loved writing this chappy. Umm thanks to (uuhhh sorry I totally forgot your name, sorry!) for helping me come up with the idea about the Calenders! Yey! So people read my next stories and hope they are as good as this one! Review and tell me what you want me to write next.**


	10. I loved her first!

**A/n: Hello! Sorry I haven't updated I just had a HUGE brain fart. Ha ha ok you want to read so I'll be quiet.**

**Disclaimer: If I owned Twilight would I really be writing this?**

**________________________________________________________________________**

**Some years later**

**B pov**

"Come on Ness. We gotta go! Say your byes," I said.

Looking at Nessie she seemed 15 but she was really younger. Frozen at fifteen, Edward at 17 and me at 18. Finally we were able to move back to Washington, now that I was positive that I could be around humans. I wonder if they would remember anything. Probably so, but hey. My high school friends would be off to college while I had to repeat high school. To think, I'd be going to school with my daughter.

Nessie hugged Tanya, Carmen, Irina, Kate, and Eleazar.

**(Blah, blah, blah stuff happens they get home and Jacob busts through the door 'cause he's awesome that way. BTW!!!! I'm Team Switzerland officially Tee-hee. Don't ask about the change.) **

"OMFB! You guys are back!! I knew you would come!!" He yelled excitedly.

"What the hell!!! I turned un-gay and now you're a vampire? Damn I missed a lot," he said but stopped suddenly when he saw Nessie. Edward growled.

"No Jacob! We did not make her! Well, we as in the family but _we_ as in me and Bella," he chuckled.

"Ewwie! Didn't need to know you guys had some mattress mambo! But I didn't know you could, um, reproduce," Jacob said still looking at Nessie while the family burst out laughing.

"Jacob could you quit starring at my daughter," I said pulling Nessie towards me. He didn't stop. Edward growled again.

"Would you quit growling!," Emmett yelled.

"He imprinted on my daughter!!!" Edward yelled.

"GASP! Didn't see that one coming!" Alice froze.

"It's not my fault!" Jacob said.

"Would you guys quit talking about me like I'm not here!" Nessie said starring at Jacob.

Jake smiled, "Hi, I'm Jacob."

"Nessie," she said showing her dimples.

That made him smile even more. Until that was Leah and Seth Clearwater came in. Odd.

"What the hay, Jacob! You ditched us!" Leah said until she saw Jacob looking at Nessie.

Edward began laughing hysterically.

"What's so funny?" Rosalie asked annoyed.

"Ha. There's going to be a fight." He said wiping a fake tear.

"Ha ha! There is!" Alice said.

"You don't know that, you can't see them," Carlisle said. **(Yea Carlisle and Esme just popped in the story since now)**

"No, I can now…for…some reason…" she began trailing off.

"I love you!" Seth yelled at Nessie.

Jacob then looked toward him as well did Nessie.

"NO!! I IMPRINTED FIRST!!" He yelled at him.

"HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW?" Seth yelled back.

"Oh, boy." I said pulling Nessie to the kitchen.

"Mom who was that?" Nessie asked me.

I shook my head, "Just a crazy friend."

"I like him." Oh, no…

"EDWARD!" I yelled.

"I know! I know! Nessie no. bad Nessie! Bad!"

"But – "

"Nooooo!" we yelled at the same time.

"Ugh!" she threw up her hands and walked out.

**After Jacob and Seth calm down…and bella and Edward could do nothing more about the imprinting….**

"Guess what!" Emmett yelled.

"No, Emmett!" Edward scolded.

"For old times sake!" he pouted.

"What? Not all of us can read minds or se the future you know," Jacob said with his arm around Nessie on the couch while Seth sent death glares at him, next to Nessie too.

"Emmett wants to play truth or dare…" Edward glared.

"Oh, no you don't!" Esme shook her head.

"But this time we have parental supervision!" Alice said!

"Not you too!" I sighed.

"C'mon Bells!" Alice said jumping by me.

"I'm game," Jacob replied.

"I'm out!" Leah said annoyed.

"Same" Rosalie said. For some reason I think they would be able to get along.

"No! COME ON!" Emmett stomped up and down like a three-year old.

"Fine! New rules! No getting in jail and our secret cannot be told!" Carlisle discussed. "Esme and I will not be going for we are very…busy."

"Oh, jeeze! I can just feel the lust radiating off of you two!" Jasper said disgusted.

"Bad mental pictures!!!!" Emmett said rubbing his eyes viciously.

"Come on people!" Alice yelled jumping up and down. "Nessie! Truth or dare!"

"What? Why me!"

"I'm your aunt and you love me," she smiled sweetly.

"Grr. Okay. Umm…truth."

"Awe! You party pooper! Let's see…what's the worst thing you have done to your dad?"

"Ugh. Well… you know that time that his care was painted pink? And we blamed it on Emmett? I did painted it…with Jasper!" she yelled and pointed.

"What! Nonsense!" Jasper defended hiding behind Alice as Edward glared at him.

"Ok um, Emmett."

"Dare!" he said not stuttering.

"I dare you to….."

**Ha ha! Cliffy! Why? Because I can't think of anything that's why! Review! :P**


	11. The Power Of Christ Comepls You!

**Gosh! I have been feeling so pressured!! Yeah, you know who you are! :D I like being pressured. Sort of…**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything!! Gosh you people just like torturing me!**

_The last chapter…_

"_Ok um, Emmett."-Nessie_

"_Dare!" he said not stuttering._

"_I dare you to….."……_

**Emmett POV**

I always come up with the game but noooo!!! I always get picked! And Emmett doesn't like getting picked!

"I dare you… I don't know!" Nessie yelled. Bella whispered something in her ear which made her laugh.

"I got it! You have to go up to Mike Newton, tell him you love him and lean in to kiss him but I guess I won't make you kiss him," everyone got a good laugh out of that.

"What! No fair!" I whined. Stupid Bella! She became evil now that she's a vampire! Grrr! Makes me so mad!

"Come on!" Alice laughed. **(BTW none of the characters changed like mike, Jessica, blah, blah, blah because I'm the author and this is my story yay!)**

~squiggly~

We had already parked the car at school grounds and enlisted again **(how did they do this? Well me being awesome made everyone forget everything… or did they?)**

I couldn't believe I was the one stuck with the worst of dares. It sucked! I found Mike's car and knew he was here. If only I could catch him alone. With my luck probably not. But I could hope couldn't I?

"Hey there he is!" Bella yelled and pointed at him at an empty table.

"Here goes nothing" I said as they wen to go hide in some bushes.

"Hey Mike, ol' buddy, ol' pal. How you doing?" I said sitting next to him so that he became uncomfortable. He scooted down a little and I did the same. He kept moving toward the edge of the table until if he moved anymore he would fall off the seat.

"Umm, good I guess. You?" He said studying me.

"Well, I could be better. I heard about you and Jacob," I said rubbing his arm. I heard snickering from the trees and Jacob cussing under his breath. Oh dear God. Why did I have to get these types of dares that make me look gay?? Why God why?

"Umm yea I guess…"

"Mike, I need to tell you something…" I said making myself look innocent.

He stared at me for a while and then asked the question I knew he didn't want to ask, "What's wrong?"

I looked into his eyes suddenly feeling very self conscious while I could here muffled laughs from my family. Luckily no one else was at school at the time. Just a few people here and there scattered.

"Mike, I love you. I left Rosalie to be here with you in this position I am. Right here, right next to you, on this bench. On this beautiful cloudy day. Just to be here with you, Mike. Just with you," I ended it in a whisper. It was really, really, _really_ hard to keep a straight face while saying it. I was laughing hysterically on the inside.

Mike's eyes got ginormous (not sure if that's a word but…) and he blushed. This time I couldn't help but laugh. Only I tried to stop it, so instead it sounded like a little cry of pain. If this went on anymore I would die of laughter, literally. I was dying little by little. I leand in towards him and he did the same. I wonder if it's posible for vampires to throw up 'cause I was pretty close to it. Right before anything REALLY gay happened I leaned back and started yelling.

"NO MIKE! NO! THIS IS GOING TO FAST. I'M NOT GAY! RAPE! RAAAAAPE! STOP IT MIKE! NO! I NEVER ASKED FOR THIS!" I cried. Everyone looked our way and i started running like if I was crying but not before I glared at some specific bushes. Poor Mike. AS soon as I was far enough that they couldn't see me I fell to the floor laughing my ass off.

**(Bella POV)**

"What is he doing?" I asked as Emmett leaned in towards Mike.

"Is he really....?" Nessie asked.

"Oh hell!" Alice burst out laughing.

Edward was next to laugh bur we kept our eyes on Emmett STILL leaning to Mike.

"Holy shi-" Jacob began before Emmett started screaming his head off.

"NO MAKIE! NO! THIS IS GOING TO FAST! I'M NOT GAY! RAPE! RAAAAAAPE! STOP IT MIKE NO! I NEVER ASKED FOR THIS!" Emmett yelled. He began sobbing and ran off but not after glaring at us.

OMYGAWD! THAT WAS THE FUNNIEST THING IN THE WORLD!

The look on Mike's face when Emmett yelled rape was priceless. At this point everyone was surrounding him.

"NO! BACK! BACK I SAY!" he began yelling at them, "STOP I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING! NO! THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPLELS YOU!" he put his fingers in a crusifix sign and kept yelling.

"Oh my gawd. I think I'm going to cry!" Seth laughed, tears rolling down his face.

"I should have played with you guys a long time ago!" Jacob said in between laughs.

"You guys suck! You're all butt munchers!" Emmett stormed in.

Jasper smacked Emmett's back. "That was the funniest thing dude!"

I assumed that we were laughing so hard that people began looking towards the bushes.

"I think it's time we head back home," Edward said once we stopped laughing.

"Already there!" Alice giggled and ran.

~squiggle~ :]

"Alright Emmett your turn," Alice said.

He looked at all of us with a evil glint in his eye. "Jacob, truth or dare?"

Well at least I was safe... I hope.

* * *

**This one was short I know. But see, I fixed my computer! :D anyway! review! come on! ths rite there follow the little arrow thingy-ma-bob.**

**\/**


	12. A new definition of strip mall: PART 1

**A/N: True story, I based this chapter on a conversation my mom and I had about strippers and table dancing....it was weird :). I have also decided to end this story too...though I'm not sure when just yet. SORRY FOR NOT UPDATING!!!**

**Disclaimer: -evil glare- I do not own Twilight _ Oh and I don't own any of the songs either :3**

**P.s! I decided to make this chapter two chappies long due to drama! Woot! :)**

_**NOTE: This could be you! Be mentioned in my story if your review is kick-ass! Tell me who you wanna be mentioned with and TADA! you're there!**_

**And just FYI lyrics do have cuss words so just beware.....**

**xxErin (yes this is for you) XD: i luvz your I dea so it will be chapter...13 i think! Yaaaaay!**

* * *

**Jacob POV**

"Dare!" pfft I am not scared of a bloodsucker.

"I dare you to go to the mall and every time a song on this list plays, you get on any pole near by and start stripping. You have to put you all in it too," Emmett looked at me evilly handing me a list with songs. Everyone burst out laughing and I could here Blondie in the next room laughing like the evil witch she is.

I glared at Leah and Seth who were laughing along with them. "Fine!" I said looking at the list:

_Fer Sure - Medic Droid_

_I.D.G.A.F - Breathe Carolina_

_I Kissed a Boy - Cobra Starship_

_I'm Not Your Boyfriend Baby - 3oh!3_

**(the songs won't be played in that exact order :))**

I couldn't believe this! I glared at everything and nothing as I got in the car.

~squiggly~

Once we got to the mall, Emmett had randomly disappeared. When I asked Ms. Pixie-Stick she said that he went to "become" the DJ. It didn't really matter anyway. I had a plan. I was going to show Nessie that I was waaay sexier than Seth. That way she'll obviously pick me.

When we kept walking, we then heard static coming from the loud speaker of the mall and Emmett began talking."Get ready people! Parent advisory! Parents strongly cautioned! Let me hear you say 'Hey'!" - some people did as he said - "Let me hear you say 'Oh!'" - a few more people obeyed - "You people suck!"

Some gasped followed by more static. Then a beat started.

It was time.

_I'm not your boyfriend, baby,_

_I ain't your cute little sex toy,_

_I'm not your lion or your tiger,_

_Won't be your nasty little boy,_

_I'm not your boyfriend, baby,_

_I can't grant your every wish,_

_I'm not your knight in shining armor,_

_So, I just leave you with this kiss_

I jumped up on one of the big plant pots; there was a pole sticking out, I had no other choice. Bella and Alice burst out laughing. Before we had come I made sure I had a lot of clothes so I had enough to take off through the four songs.

_You can catch me on the speedtrain,_

_Beeper in a three-way,_

_Shinin' with the gleam chain,_

_And your honey givin' me brain,_

_You can catch me watchin' AI,_

_Mello it's game time,_

_Pinkie with the same shine,_

_Pitbull and a canine_

I grabbed the pole, kind of scared that it would break on me you know with my muscle-ness. I pulled myself up and spun down.

_You know I rep' this shit,_

_I gots it tatted on my skin,_

_If you fuckin' with my city,_

_Then you fuckin' with my kin,_

_You know I rep' this shit,_

_I got my hands up on your chest,_

I moved my hands up and down my body as some girls swooned.

_Motherfuckers best believe it,_

_That you're fuckin' with the best_

I wiggled my eyebrows at Nessie and blew a kiss at her while Edward glared at me and Jasper held him back. I felt very lady-like. Oh well.

_I'm not your boyfriend, baby,_

_I ain't your cute little sex toy,_

_I'm not your lion or your tiger,_

_Nah, nah, won't be your nasty little boy,_

_Whoo, I'm not your boyfriend, baby,_

_Yeah, I can't grant your every wish,_

_Yeah, I'm not your knight in shining armor,_

_So, I just leave you with this kiss_

I walked around the pole and did that thing on Jerry Springer when the guys look like they're raping the pole. Man, I am so good. I heard a few girls gasp. Oh yea!

_The lower your fall, the higher your climb _

I began climbing the pole once again and awesomely, if I do say so myself, slid down. So this is what it's like to be a fireman.

The beat slowed down and the lights dimmed... Wow Emmett could do all this? Vampires I swear. I wasn't even going to ask.

_Kill the lights,_

_These children learn from cigarette burns, fast cars, fast women, and cheap drinks,_

_It feels right,_

_All these asphyxiated, self-medicated; take the white pill, you'll feel alright,_

_Kill the lights,_

_These children learn from cigarette burns, fast cars, fast women, and cheap drinks,_

_It feels right,_

_All these asphyxiated, self-medicated--_

I grabbed my hat and threw it to a random girl starring at me with her eyes wide.

_You can catch me on the speedtrain,_

_Beeper in a three-way,_

_Shinin' with the gleam chain,_

I pulled on my shirt collar.

_And your honey givin' me brain,_

_You can catch me watchin' AI,_

_Mello It's game time,_

_Pinkie with the same shine,_

_Deep poetic canine_

I smiled at another girl and began to take off my sweater, very slowly. She, of course swooned.

_You know I rep' this shit,_

_I gots it tatted on my skin,_

_And if you fuckin' with my city,_

_Then you fuckin' with my kin,_

_You know I rep' this shit,_

_I got my hands up on your chest,_

_Motherfuckers best believe it,_

_That you fuckin' with the best_

I finished taking off mt shirt and an old lady came up and put a ten in my pants.

"Work it honey," she said winking. The Cullens began laughing hysterically.

_Kill the lights,_

_These children learn from cigarette burns, fast cars, fast women, and cheap drinks,_

_It feels right,_

_All these asphyxiated, self-medicated; take the whi--_

_Kill the lights,_

_These children learn from cigarette burns, fast cars, fast women, and cheap drinks,_

_It feels right,_

_All these asphyxiated, self-medicated; take the white pill, you'll feel alright,_

I did what the moment called for and started vogueing.

_Kill the lights,_

_These children learn from cigarette burns, fast cars, fast women, and cheap drinks,_

_It feels right,_

Edward was no longer being held back but was laughing and recording me. I was going to make sure that video never made youtube.

_All these asphyxiated, self-medicated; take the white pill, you'll feel alright,_

_Kill the lights,_

_These children learn from cigarette burns, fast cars, fast women, and cheap drinks,_

_It feels right,_

_All these asphyxiated, self-medicated; take the white pill, you'll feel alright_

I did some sexy belly work and made my man boobs move. I made sure Nessie was looking too.

_Kill the lights,_

_These children learn from cigarette burns, fast cars, fast women, and cheap drinks,_

_It feels right,_

_All these asphyxiated, self-medicated; take the white pill, you'll feel alright_

A blond girl put a twenty rolled up in my boxers that were sticking out from my pants. Seth glared at me whenever I looked at Nessie.

The song finally ended, I grabbed the rest of the money that was thrown at me with my clothes and ran into the shadows.

**Alice POV**

I was laughing and leaning on Edward who was recording. Bella was laughing and pounding on the bench next to her, cracking it. Seth was glaring at the shadows and Nessie was laughing and blushing. Jasper had gone to find Emmett somewhere upstairs of the mall.

"Hope you folks enjoyed the show. We didn't get very far but another preformance will come up in a few minutes. Please continue shopping." Emmett's booming laughter could be heard.

In the background Jasper was screaming at some people in the back: "Shut up you stupid banana munching monkey ass-face! You're not the police! Your a cheap version of them! What did you call me old man!? I'll make your you eat that blubber coming out of your shirt! That's right cry! Cry! It's what you want! It's what everybody wants!"

Jacob came back wearing a black hooded jacket over his head.

"I never thought the day where I would see Jacob Black strip in front of Edward Cullen," I laughed as Edward and Jacob glared at me.

Seth glared at Jacob. Edward was showing us what he had recorded.

"What was that?" Seth said pulling Jacob to the side. I of course eavesdropped as they moved away from us.

"I was just doing the dare," Jacob replied sounding smug.

"You were doing it 'cause Nessie was here," Seth whispered.

"Well, yeah," Jacob said narrowing his eyes.

We began walking and I was in Victoria Secret with Bella when the music started again. Only a 15 minute break, huh.

_Fer sure maybe fer sure not _

_Fer sure eh fer sure bomb _

_I pulled up at a stop light, did drugs on the dashboard _

_Look at the mess we made tonight _

_Kick off your stilettos (oh ya)_

_Kick off your stilettos _

_And fuck me in the backseat _

Bella and I ran outside.

"WOO! OH YEA! SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YA!" a wild fanatic yelled getting the crowd pumped as Jacob slid down the pole his shirt torn off.

_fuck me in the backseat _

_You're always falling in disguise _

_And always quick to compromise _

_Kick off your stilettos (oh yeah)_

_Kick off your stilettos _

_And fuck me in the backseat (fa-fa-fa)_

_Fuck me in the backseat _

He raped the air and shook his butt in the old lady's face while she practically had a heart attack.

_Fer sure maybe fer sure not _

_Fer sure eh fer sure bomb _

_This is the end of what we planned (of what we planned)_

_And now. _

He rubbed his body with his hand and tugged on the bottom of his jeans. The whole family laughed - well except Seth who just glared. Talk about love triangles.

_This is how the beat drops _

_This is how the beat drops (I wanna see your panties drop girl now)_

_All this time is wasted pretending we're in love_

He dropped his pants and threw them in the air while girls fought over them.

_But that's alright cause you know _

_I love being with you and seeing you cry _

_So don't let go-o-o _

_Well don't let go, no-o _

_Don't let go _

He climbed the pole and slid down to his butt - just in boxers. From there he popped it on the ground and did some weird movements with his stomach.

_Fer sure maybe fer sure not _

_Fer sure eh fer sure bomb _

_Pulled up at a stop light did drugs on the dashboard _

_Look at the mess we made tonight _

He got off the pot thing and began to give a girl a lap dance. But it wasn't just any girl no. This girl I knew.

_Kick off your stilettos _

_Kick off your stilettos _

_And fuckme in the backseat _

_fuck me in the backseat _

_You're always falling in disguise _

_And always quick to compromise _

It was Jessica. And Angela. This was bad. But he kept going...and going and GOING! Bad Jacob! Bad, bad, bad!

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**Half a cliffy? I dunno. **

**Part two is comming next yaaay! So about my other stories: I am continuing them I'm just focusing on this one first so I can get it over with :)**

**REVIEW OR I WILL STALK YOU WITH A PM! (if i have time :3)**

**ONCE AGAIN! vvv**

_** NOTE: This could be you! Be mentioned in my story if your review is kick-ass! Tell me who you wanna be mentioned with and TADA! you're there! (example in a dare with Edward per say :))**_

**So review! :D**


	13. A new defintion of strip mall: PART 2

**A/N: Woo! Chapter 11! Finally! I was going to mentally ground myself if I didn't post this chapter up before the 22 and this proves I am truely afraid of myself. Hahaha! Hope you enjoy! This is sorta short... I also decided to cut out the songs due to it not getting to the point but just in case the song would be the ones left over from last time :)**

**Disclaimer- Gah! I only wish I owned Twilight... -smacks self-**

**I also don't own the rape song or the no no song....Though I'm not sure who does.... e.e**

**Mckenzie this is for you! (we sing the rape song ALL the time :D) **

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**YAY! IT'S OFFICIALLY TRUTH OR DARE WITH THE CULLENS 2nd BIRTHDAY! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TOD! (truth or dare... haha Tod :))**

**Seth POV**

I couldn' let Jacob win Nessie like this! What was I going to just stand around and do nothing? PFFT! Hell no! No more Mr. Sweet-adorable-nice-wolf Seth!

Wow this is sad. I'm giving myself pep talk.

What ever! Now or never, Seth! Now or never!

NOW!

As the music began the beat of a new song, I jumped on one of the food court's tables - one with an umbrella pole - with four girls, and tore my shirt off. Of course _my_ Nessie stared. Psh who wouldn't? Jacob glared and shook his butt faster for the two random girls sitting on the bench. The curly haired one smacked his ass causing him to be creeped out so he went back to stripping on the small platform. He began taking off his pants. FOUL!!!!

Oh yes? Two can play at that game but I could do it better.

I grinded on the umbrella pole and the four girls swooned. Ha, I still got it. Little did they all know I was wolf by day and secret stripper by night. Hey everyone has their secrets right? Mine just happened to help me out today.

As I strutted toward Nessie - hey you have to work it - Jacob growled at me. Nessie stared at me chest and I flexed my pectoral muscles. HAHA big word!!!

**Nessie POV**

He pulled me down on a bench and pretty much gave me a lap dance. It was one of those awkward but freaking awesome moments that take your breath away. My hand then thought it would be a good idea to jerk to his butt.

_No Nessie! Bad! No! Dad's there!,_ the sane part of me yelled

_Oh come on! He wouldn't hurt someone you love. Well besides maybe Jake...Just a little squeeze!,_ I argued with myself.

_Think of Jacob!_

_Oh yea._

I pulled my hand away as my dad growled. Seth ran off to continue stripping.

I looked at Jacob and he looked pissed but When he saw me he gave me a sexy grin and I couldn't help but to smile and blush, yet I couldn't look away. Damn Jacob and his sexy 'V' line! I wonder if Seth has one....

**Alice POV:**

Nessie's brown eyes moved from Jacob to Seth and back. Ha ha! Both trying to woo her but only would win.

~VISION~

"Rape! Rape! Sexual Molestation!" Emmett yelled.

"You're cops! Er...security guys! You're supposed to be the good guys!" Jasper screamed.

"Stop! Don't touch me there! This is my private square!" Emmett cried drawing an imaginary square on his lower torso.

~END OF VISION~

I laughed even harder which caused a growling Edward to burst out laughing with me.

"OhmyCarlisle! I'mgonnamentallypeemypants!" (oh my Carlisle I'm gonna mentally pee my pants) I literally rolled on the floor laughing.

Then the music randomly cut off and the speaker came on. At that point everyone froze in their tracks.

"Dude! Come on! Be cool!" Jasper yelled.

"Get your asses over here!" a rough voice screamed.

"No! You just want to have Brokeback Mountain buttsex but NUH UH, Shanaynay! You can't have this!" Emmett yelled rubbing his hands up and down his sides.

In the background you could here things falling and breaking. There was also panting and yelling and clashing and basically everything you can possibly call a ruckus. HAHAHA! This is too funny!

"I'm too pretty to be raped!" Jasper cried.

"You're to pretty?! Psh! I'm to sexy! I'm a sexy beast!" Emmet said not even out of breath.

"Emmett! I really don't think this is a time to argue who's sexier, because we all know it's me," Jasper told him.

"What ever!" Emmett said in a freakily gay-ish voice.

"Ah!!! He's touching me!" Jasper gasped.

"Stop! Don't touch me there! This is my private square!" Emmett yelled. HAHAHAA! I can totally see him doing the imaginary square!

"I know the song!" Jasper yelled enthusiastically. How he knows it? I don't know.

Then they both started singing it randomly:

"Stop, don't touch me there.

This is my private square.

R-A-P-E

Get your hands off of me.

It's RAPE

Stop, don't touch that place.

This is my private space.

R-A-P-E

Get your penis out of me.

It's RAPE

Stop, don't touch me there this is my no no square.

R-A-P-E

Don't take my virginity.

Go rape, go rape, go rape somebody else!"

And then followed by a big ginormous, humongous, , boom. Like, BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM! Continued with dead silence. Everyone seemed frozen in place.

"Uh, ooh," Jasper said barley above a whisper.

"IT'S A CORPSE!!!! ABORT MISSION STRIPPER! ABORT MISSION STRIPPER!" Emmett yelled.

"Emmett....the speaker is on."

"Son of a butt-muncher!!! ABORT!!!!!" he yelled into to the speaker even louder causing it to screech.

"Ow," I said rubbing my ear as did everyone else.

The two over muscled boys in boxers ran off into the back of the mall grabbing their clothes. They headed toward the exit marked 'Emergency'. We of course ran after them as everyone stared.

"OH MY GOD ITS EDWARD CULLEN!!!!" Jessica yelled.

"ALICE! ALICE OH MY GOD! YOU'RE MY SOUL MATE!" some random person yelled. That's when the screaming of fanatics came along.

Ya' know those movies where a giant mob chases those movie stars? It was kinda like that.

"BELLA! MY LOVE! MAKE ME YOUR ROMEO MY JULIET!!!"

"WHERE'S SWEET CHEEKS!? HIS BUTT LOOKS AS SMOOTH AS A BABY'S BELLY!"

"EDWARD!!!!! I LOVE YOU!! BABY COME BACK! YOU CAN HAVE MY PANTIES!"

"Oh god no! They've got me! Save yourselves!" Edward said as the mob engulfed him whole. **(Sorry I couldn't help it x])**

"Edward!" Bella cried frantically.

"Bells, it's fine he'll make it! Hurry!" I said pushing her out the door and slamming them shut.

"I've got it! Jacob said as Seth handed him a giant wood block. He stuffed it in the door handles. The door then proceeded to shake viciously.

We ran to the car and got in. Jacob, Seth, and Bella were in the back, Bella making sure nothing fishy was going on. I obviously got in the front with Nessie.

Just as I was having this little random moment Jasper, Edward, and Emmett came out running and broke open the doors. Edward closed them shut and Emmett squeezed them together so they would be un-openable. That was when we burst out laughing.

All three had their clothes torn and shredded as if they got in a fight with a grizzly bear. Trust me I would know. Emmett wasn't even wering pants. They all had lipstick all over them and when I say all over, I really mean _all over._ Their pockets - or what was left of them anyway - were filled up with scraps of paper making giant bulges.

But the best part were their priceless expressions. They were all shaking with dread and kept looking around everywhere like crack addicts. They jogged faster and crammed into the already full car. Edward sat in front with Jazz, Nessie, and me while Emmett jumped in the back laying on Jacob, Seth, and Bella.

"Someone is touching me!!!" Edward suddenly yelled.

"Oh sorry," Jacob said, "I thought you were Nessie."

Bella growled.

"Wow, Edward freaking Cullen said nothing about that remark? The world must be ending," I said.

"You...don't even know...what they...did to me in there...." he said trailing off.

"What happened!" I yelled.

"Alice, Alice, take it down an octave or two, will you?" Bell told me.

"Sorry."

"Didn't you hear!? We were getting raped! We ran out only to be molested and violated by a giant mob that was eating Edward alive! ALIVE!" Jasper shuddered.

"Aw, Jazzy!" I reached for his arm.

"NO!- I mean, don't touch me," he said as Emmett shuddered. "Just don't. Please."

"I feel so dirty! I saw things I can never unsee. NEVER!" Emmett cried with a weird twitch in his eye as he stared blankly outside.

"Oh my Carlisle! Have I not been through enough Emmett!?" Edward said putting his hands to his head and swinging back and forth.

"That bad...?" Bella asked.

"YOU WEREN'T THERE!" Emmett screamed shaking her like a little rag doll.

"I-I-I'm sor- ry," She whispered.

As they continued to shake Jacob cleared his throat. "Are we gonna play or watch these little girls whine?"

"Oh yea!" I said jumping up and down on Jasper's lap.

"Alice, please. I've been through a traumatizing experience," Jasper told me pained. Oops. My bad. I stopped.

"Open the door Seth," Bella said almost choking on her breath.

When he finally got the door open he fell followed by Emmett, Bella and Jacob. Then we opened the door and same thing happened to us but with my awesome reflexes I got out perfectly.

"NO! GET OFF!" Emmett yelled and threw Bella at Edward. He then went to sulk by a tree.

"Seriously! Can you guys quit?" She said frustrated. Jasper and Edward went to go follow Emmett by the tree and they began dry sobbing.

"I think they should sit this one out Seth said once he got up.

"Good idea," Jacob said putting his pants back on.

"You!" Seth pointed like the evil monkey-in-Family-Guy-that-lives-in-Chris'-closet.

He ran toward him jumped and phased in the process, tackling Jacob. Thus began the wolf fight and us vampires betting on who would win.

"Hit him with the chair!" I screamed.

"There is no chair..." Bella said looking at me weird.

"Well duh, Bella! It's called _imagination_! You know, the thing you use when you want to picture Edward naked but it's just not the moment nor time?" I told her, winking.

"Uuuuuugh! Moooooooom!" Nessie yelled rubbing her eyes viciously. "That is so disturbing!!!"

Bella giggled shyly, glaring at me while I smirked. Then a dog whimpered. Oh! The fight!

"Twenty Jacob," I said contemplating.

"Naaah, Seth," Edward said from the tree.

"Seth," Jasper agreed.

"I say Jake," Bella said.

"Jaketh! Jaketh!" Nessie giggled jumping up and down. Ah, I taught her well.

~Vision~

"Oh, Edward!" Jessica Stanley gasped as she threw her arms around him.

"Jessica," he whispered.

"Shh, shh. Don't speak," She said pulling him closer and shutting his mouth with her finger. "Do you really love me?"

"...Yeah."

"More than Bella?"

"Mmhmm."

"Oh Edward!" She gasped and kissed him.

"Oh god!" Edward screamed as well.

~End of Vision~

_Woooooow! Iv'e really got to keep this one to myself. How disgusting!!!! _ I though to myself.

"What Alice?" Edward said finally looking up and walking toward us, Jasper in tow.

"Uh...Nessie is gonna...uh, kiss Jacob and Seth and uh...do things that are too horrible to repeat!" I thought quickly. His eyes got as big as dinner plates.

"Nessie!" he yelled.

"Yeah?" she said distracted by the fight.

"You're so grounded young lady!"

"What! Why!"

"You know why! You know," he said glaring at the wolves.

Nessie sent daggers at me. "You owe me." she mouthed. I nodded like a bobble head that I am.

**E POV**

After the dog fight ended we waited until the mutt contemplated on who he wanted to be his victim.

_Maybe....no. How 'bout....eh nah. Or!...gah no!_ he was thinking.

"Just pick a damn person for the love of everything sane!" Alice yelled slapping him in back of his head.

"Jeeze, Pixie Lady! What did I do to you!" He groaned rubbing his head.

"That's Ms. Pixie Lady to you, you old lady arm candy!" she stormed. "Stop changing your mind and pick!"

"OK! OK!" now he was blocking his thoughts.

I growled and said through my teeth, "Would you quit thinking profanities about my daughter and whip cream?"

"Yeah, Jacob! PERVERT!" Seth scolded standing next to Nessie and putting an arm around her.

"Sure, sure," he shook him off. "Truth or dare...my soon to be father in law?"

That was it! I jumped on him while Alice giggled with excitement. Just when I got a good grip on him and got so close to popping his shoulder bone out of its socket, Bella pulled me away.

"Gah! You're lucky, Black! Next time don't be so sure! Dare!" I glared.

He of course looked smug. "I dare you to go into the mall and...." Alice whispered something in his ear, too low for me to hear." What? Who's that?" more whispering. "Oh! That's better than my idea!" whisper, whisper. "OK!"

"I dare you to go have a conversation with random people and of course don't forget....Jessie? Oh Jessica and you have to say yes to anything and everything anyone asks you, for the rest of the day. No hesitations; make it look good."

"Woo!" Emmett jumped up going back to his normal self.

"Oh so now you get over it?" I scoffed. "Fine!"

"Yay! OK starting........NOW!" Alice chirped.

Emmett wiggled his eyebrows at me. "So Eddiekins, can I call you that? Of course I can! Eddiekins, did you drink Bella's period blood when she was human?"

"No-"

"Ah, ah, ah," Jacob warned.

"Uggg....Yes."

Alice burst out laughing. "Wow I didn't know you two could be so kinky!"

"Ew! do you guys forget I'm even here?! I'm the spawn of these people?! Ugh!" Nessie yelled into the sky.

"Have you guys done it on Nessie's bed?" Emmett said smiling the Cheshire Cat.

"Damnit yes!" I said mentally kicking myself.

"Gah!" Nessie yelled frustrated. She got that from me.

"Even with her sleeping on it?"

"Yes..." I said looking at Bella hitting her head against a tree trunk.

"Ok! Ok! Seriously though," Emmett said putting on his 'serious voice',"Do you have dirty thoughts about Jacob?" He said and burst his serious facade.

"Hey" Jacob said standing up.

"Damn you all to hell! Yes!" I groaned and punched a tree trunk in.

"Whoa. Dude," Jasper then mumbled.

I left without another word and walked toward the mall while they continued to laugh.

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**Dun Dun DUN! Ok so I just had to post this up today it was killing me.**

**I love you for reading!**

**Review! Come on a birthday present for Tod?? ;]**


	14. YES On Butt Affection

**AN: I'm just getting straight to the point in this chapter. :) **

**Oh and I might end this story in two more chapters. Maybe three if I get enough reviews. **

**I know it's a bummer, but I really have tons of stories that I want to work on but I can't because of TOD. My others stories on hold--those will be the ones I will work on. Unless I get distracted with other ideas. :3**

**This chappy is dedicated to Monique (XxMzMaryJanexX) for your idea and and goodies and and and all that good stuff. :)**

**Read. Enjoy. Hopefully laugh. Review!**

**

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**E POV**

As I began walking toward the mall, Alice called from behind me and threw clothes at me. "You're welcome."

I glared at her and slipped on the clothes. As I started making my way toward the mall once again, they caught up to me, and hid in the shadows. Except for Emmett.

He pushed me toward the food court--no doubt full of people. Surprisingly the mall was spotless as ever besides the door, whiched looked like it had been through a drive by--with logs as bullets. I tried to be as inconspicuous as possible. Who am I kidding? As soon as I stepped into the public area, a random girl started screaming, causing a chain reaction. I began running like hell (human speed) but got tackled by, oh I don't know, 36 FEMALES! And Mike Newton.

"OMG!" yes she really said that. "I LOVE YOUR EDWARD!"

"HERE! JUST FOR YOU!" aaaand I got panties thrown in my face.

"I LOVE YOU SOOOO MUCH! I HAVE EVERY SINGLE PICTURE I COULD GET! FORGET BELL! LOVE ME!"

"I WANT YOU TO HAVE MY BABIES!"

"Ah!" I yelled and began to crawl away from the grabbing hands. My butt got a lot of unnecessary attention. I will never look at girls the same way! *looks at you suspicious*

I finally made it by a storage closet as they kept looking for me, like a stampede. Only to be found by the worst person imaginable.

Jessica Stanley.

"Mwahahaha! Al to myself!" she began to rub her hands like the sadist she was. Did I mention how much I HATE FORKS! Well I do. A lot. And not just this town Forks, but actual forks. And sporks. I mean really who has to stab their food, yet have a soup-like substance as well? Ridiculous, I swear.

While I went on with my little Forks/forks/sporks rant she shoved me into the closet. It smelled like mildew as she began sniffing me like the creep she was. "So, Edward. I heard that you are unconditionally, and irrevocably in love with me," she said trying to sound seductive **(AN: I couldn't resist! x3)** To me, it sounded like a llama. A llama on steroids. Being graped (yes GRaped) in the mouth. Tied to a radiator. For decades and decades and decades.** (The grapist... Look it up on youtube. Minus the llama x])** With a grape whistle.

I laughed at my inside joke, but she took it the wrong way. Jessica began to try to take my clothes off but I pushed her away. I pinned her arms to the wall to get her off me, but she took _that_ the same way too, and began to growl seductively. Again the llama, only growling this time.

"Who told you that?" I asked. Pfft, no doubt Emmett or Alice.

"Bella," she winked. "She told me she just liked you for your body. Can you believe it? I like your entirely," she said undressing me with her eyes. I felt violated.... Eye-raping? I backed away to the far wall, which was only like two inches.

Wait... Bella? My sweet innocent Bella? Innocent, goddess of my life, Bella? No way!

"So is it true Edward?" she winked.

I sniffled remembering the dare. "Yes."

"Oh, Edward!" Jessica gasped as she threw her arms around me.

"Jessica," I whispered, repulsed.

"Shh, shh. Don't speak," She said pulling me closer and shutting my mouth with her finger. "Do you really love me?"

"...Yeah."

"More than Bella?"

"Mmhmm."

"Oh Edward!" She gasped and kissed me.

"Oh god!" I screamed as well.

"Oh hell no! He's mine, you 5-dollar crack ho!" a girl with red hair and dark black glasses bust through the door. **(Oh yes, Monique. Just for you dahhhling.) **She totally saved my from being scarred. I owe her big time whoever she is.

_Monique is here to save you babycakes! Let's teach this bimbo a lesson Phillip! _She thought referring to her fist. Nice.

"Who the hell are you!" Jessica said finally getting away from me. She then thought it to be a good idea to put a hand on my thigh, as if to protect me. Bahahaha! Funny.

"I'm your worst nightmare!" Monique lunged at Jessica and pulled her out of the storage closet, leaving me alone for a bit.

I stayed quiet as I heard banging and clashing of only Carlisle knows what. _Ooh! I'm so getting this woman to pay! No one gets between my future husband and gets away with it!_ Monique thought, throwing Jessica into a trash can.

From there I began reading the girl's mind to see what was going on. She tackled Jessica, while succeeding to bite her arm. Jessica grabbed her from the arm and twisted it back, but it backfired as Monique twisted in a way I thought was impossible for a human, and tripped her. This time she shoved her into the trash can, as it ate Jessica. Interesting....

I tried to find my family by reading minds but assumed Bella was using her shield because I got nothing. That was when the door flew open for the second time.

"Now that that's taken care of," the red-head said patting herself down. "My precious. Edward will you marry me? I know this is too fast but you owe me since I basically saved your life and from being raped." she said in one breath.

"Uh..." I stuttered.

"Ooh. Your voice is like...dreamy! And your eyes are like..." and that was when she trailed off almost drooling. So that's what Bella meant by my 'dazzling' people.

"Hello?" I said looking at her.

"Huh? Oh! So how bout it Edward. Or can I call you Eddie-Poo," she giggled.

"Oh my Carlisle..." my family wasn't here, can I say no? My phone vibrated. A message from Alice: _You gotta say yesh! ;D Or you can say good bye to special happy place Bella time... :}_

Yesh? What the hell is yesh? Note to self: ask her why she is ridiculous at texting.

"Edward," Monique said with a sing-song voice.

GAH! "Y-yes," I said flinching.

"Woo! How 'bout we skip the wedding and go for the honeymoon?" she winked.

This chick was slick. She tore of my shirt, like she had vampire strength or something.

"Stooooppeeeeet!" I sobbed.

"You...you don't want to?" she pouted.

"N-" my phone vibrated again with a frowny face from Alice. "I'm mean yes! Yes I do!"

"Mkay!" she squealed and tore off my pants. Somehow I think she and Alice would be good friends...

I think this is the end of Edward Cullen's only humanity. As she reached for my boxers, I whimpered (Boxers, not briefs!) The door flew open for the damn third time revealing Jasper and Emmett half naked as I was.

"Oh my Carlisle! My eyes! Damn Eddie! We leave for five minutes and you're getting it on?" Jasper laughed.

"This dare is brought to you by, Durex. Get it on," Emmett winked and stood in the super man pose.

We all stared at him for about five minutes, and I swear my eye began to twitch. "....What is _wrong_ with you!" I yelled.

He shrugged. "Stop there! Leave this scrawny man and come to me! Come to me child, come to me," he ended in a whisper.

_I'm going to make her want us and then you run, _Jasper said in his mind knowing I could hear.

"Oooooh, pretty boys..." she drooled and lunged at my brothers.

'Run for it!" Jasper yelled as a mob of girls--and Mike Newton--saw the commotion and began chasing us.

"Damnit dead end!" I groaned.

That was when I heard a rip. No not _a_ rip but _three_ rips.

"Jasper please tell me someone tore the freaky hair off your head. Please," I whispered.

"My hair is not freaky! And I wish I could dear brother," Jasper said quietly. We immediately covered ourselves with our hands.

Emmett began laughing, ridiculously hard. "Oh my Carlisle! Jazzy and Eddie are butt naked!" he said pointing at us.

" Look at yourself moron!" Jasper spat.

He stopped laughing and looked down. "Ah! I feel exposed!" he yelled covering himself up.

"Is it just me, or is it really quiet?" I asked.

We turned around to the opening of the dead end and found all the girls, and Mike Newton, laying on the floor with a dazed happy expression. Like if they were high.

"Are they dead?" Jasper asked.

Emmett poked one with the tip of his shoe, and she purred. "This my friends, is how powerful we are. We are so sexy, we can dazzle a mall full of girls. Er...and Mike."

"Haha! thy dropped dead! I am such a beast," Jasper said grinning and putting his hands on his head, like the cocky bastard he was.

"Whoa! Hey beast! Put the animal back in the cage!" I yelled.

"Oops, sorry," he said covering himself back up.

"Looking for something boys?" Rosalie giggled.

We saw the girls standing at the corner of a wall, holding our pants. Seth, Jacob and Nessie were covering their eyes.

"Can we have them back?" I asked hopeful.

"Eh, I don't feel like it," Bella yawned.

"New toys! This is better than shopping!" Alice giggled.

"Can you please give the gentle men their pants back? We have a game to play," Jacob said still covering his eyes.

"Please, mut. You run with five of six half naked boys. You can so handle this. Besides, they're covering," Rosalie scoffed.

"Ugh..."he began to lift his hand but kept his eyes covered. Emmett wiggled his eye brows and Jasper and I, and I instinctively knew what he wanted to do.

Jacob opened one eye, and in the process, Emmett's voice boomed. "Release!"

And we all moved our hands from covering up. Jacob began screaming.

"Re-charge!" Emmett yelled again and we covered up laughing.

"Bad! Oh man, oh man, oh man! I'm scarred!" Jacob paced frantically covering his eyes, and stepping on dazzled girls in the process.

"What ever, you know you like my sexy body," Emmett said gesturing to emphasize. luckily, he still covered.

"Guys, I feel weird with only shoes on," Jasper said sheepishly.

"Here, we've had our fun," the girls gave us our pants giggling as we put them on.

We walked out to the parking lot, Emmett, Jasper, and I being have dressed, and I remembered it was my turn.

"Jasper truth or dare?" I smirked.

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**OK guys, end of this chapter, hope you liked! Any ideas, because I'm all out.**

**Please, please, please! I could really use some help for Jasper's Truth/Dare.**

**Thanks guys! *gives cookie***

**REVIEW!**


	15. Sexy Beast Lisping

**AN: OK guys! Finally chapter 14 is here! I also just got myself a laptop (finally), so now I don't have everyone breathing over my shoulder in the 'office room'. :) **

**I have to thank 'Esmeralda Marie Smith-Watson' for the idea. Thanks dahling! *gives you Edward, Jasper, and Emmett in boxers* Enjoy and do as you please! :D**

**Disclaimer: I own squat. Oh well besides this laptop. Yaaaay laptops!**

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**J POV:**

"Jasper, quit being a pus-" Edward started before Bella looked at him knowingly. "A baby. Now hurry up! Truth or dare?"

"You guys realize that we have only been doing dares? Well, besides Nessie..." Alice said.

"Touche, touche," Emmett nodded.

"Since when- Never mind. Truth or dare?" Edward sighed.

"Urrrg! Nooooo!" I cried.

"Spaz much?" Seth chuckled beside Nessie.

Edward crossed his arms across his chest. "Suck it up! We don't have all day."

"Oooh! Yay!" my Alice squealed from beside me. She was so hot when she jumped up and down, meaning her 'orbs' as I called them, did the same. Damnit! Emmett must be lusting big time. I looked at him. Yup, he was licking his lips and starring at Rosalie.

"Not the time!" Edward groaned, reading my mind.

He snapped out of it and rubbed the back of his head. "Hah, sorry. I was, uh, distracted you could say."

I glared and finally spat, "Dare."

"I dare you to enter a Miss Teens' pageant. Ya' know since you think your hair is gorgeous and what not," Edward grinned.

"But I'm a guy!" I interjected.

"Nothing a little duct tape can't fix," he said wiggling his eyebrows as my eyes widened.

"C'mon, Jazzy! -" Alice ranted.** (Rose and I can do your make-up and hair and clothes and-. Just in case ;))**

"OK fine! Let's go ladies," I winked. I put my arms out so the girls could link through them.

Emmett called from behind us. "You might want to start talking in a lisp for practice."

"Ohmigawwwd! Ya' know what? Sthuck it Emmie!" I lisped. **(FYI 'Sth' is the lisp. Helped out? Hopefully... e_e)**

o0o0o0o0o0o

"Jeebus quit it!" I groaned as Rosalie plucked yet another eyebrow hair.

"It's not my fault! You have a fucking jungle growing on your face!" she pulled out another one.

"Your legs are so friggen hairy. Damn, this is going to take me years!" Alice said from below me. Whoa. Awkwaaaaaaard...

Bella stood at the door. "Can I help in any way?"

"Yeah! The side burns have to go," Alice said pulling the wax strip.

I didn't think they would work, because of me being a vampire, but somehow the girls managed to pull everything off. Flawlessly, I may add. "Gah! Just kill me now! Ah the horror! The pain!"

Soon enough, I was bald in places I didn't even think was possible. No not _that_! Pervert! They threw me in the shower, fully clothed. They rinsed, lathered, and repeated so many times I should have been a damn vampire raisin. They threw me onto a plastic chair still soaking wet and began to take my clothes off.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa! I'm going to dress like a girl, but I'm not one of you!" I yelled and fought against the three groping girls out for blood-no pun intended.

Rosalie scoffed. "Please, like you left anything to the imagination at the mall."

"That was you to blame!" I said hugging myself tight.

Bella was at my side. "Come on, Jasper. Lift up your arms. What are you like seven?" she said tugging on my shirt.

Alice sighed. "Hot damn. This is a good shirt too. Oh well!" she ripped it off me as I stared at them wide eyed.

"I feel exposed!" I yelled as they began tugging on my jeans. "No! Noooo!" I soon gave up and let them have their way with me.

Once they practically molested me then dressed me, Alice began my make-up as Bella assisted her. It was like an operation really: "Lipstick!" Bella hands it. "Foundation!" Hands it. "Lip plumper!" Hands it. "Rag!", and so on. Rosalie began straightening my hair like a pro. How the hell was I supposed to know fashion hurt? When I thought they were finally done, Alice jumped up yelled "YESSSS!", ran out of the room, and came back. With duct tape. The girls seemed menacing as they inched closer to me. Gulp.

After what seemed like hours-hell, it probably was-They finally stepped in front of me hands clasped and gaping. They all felt satisfied.

"Wow. Red really goes with you..." Bella said doe-eyed.

"Our masterpiece..." Rosalie grinned.

"If you were really a girl, I'd probably play for the other team," Alice giggled.

All of them grabbed me at once and set me in front of Alice's giant wall mirror. And damn was I sexy! My hair, now straightened, was a little longer due to extensions. The make-up wasn't to dark or too light and made my eyes stand out. The dress was a simple black little dress, just below the knee and made me look very lady-like. On my feet? Red fuck-me pumps. I think they speak for themselves.

I would totally screw myself, if it were possible. "Wow." was all I could manage to say.

"Ok! Let's go!" Alice giggled breaking me from eye-fucking myself.

Alice grabbed my arm while Bella followed and Rosalie trailed behind. As the three of us-Rosalie was cleaning up quickly-came to a stop down the stairs, Emmett and Edward looked up from a C.O.D game, and their jaws dropped. Hell yes. Jasper Whitlock Hale-Cullen was drop dead fucking sexy.

Emmett ran to my side, as I prepared myself for the snide comments as Edward chuckled. "Damn baby! You look so sexy! Are you entering the pageant too? I might just take you right now if Jasper doesn't get down here soon," he chuckled and grabbed my waist. He puckered his lips as everyone began to hide their laughter. Oh they thought this was funny!

"Oh no," I said muffled by Emmett. I struggled against him as his lips inched closer to me. Luckily, Rose cleared her throat and then burst out laughing.

Emmett looked up, inches from my face, lips still puckered. "Holy shit! If that's Rose, who the hell are you!" he yelled running vampire speed behind Rosalie.

"Its' me you idiot!" I growled, smoothing out wrinkles from my dress. Wow, I sound so girly.

"Oh man..." he gave me a once over and shuddered.

Edward was the first to recover. "Shall we ladies? And Emmett." he chuckled and opened the door.

"Hardy har-har. Thanksth Eddie-kinsth," I replied pinching his cheek on the way out.

o0o0o0o0o0oo

As we got out of Emmett's jeep, Edward began his rant. "Ok, Jasper. Your name is now Jazline Whilock," Edward told me in a serious tone.

I inwardly groaned. As we walked to the gray building that was supposed to hold the pageant, I was immediately hit with all kinds of emotions. I mean the building itself screamed "TEEN GIRLS COMPETING FOR A DAMN CROWN! AND THEY'RE PMS-ING! YAY!" in bubble letters. Well, no that was a lie, it actually said, "MISS TEEN FORKS PAGEANT! TODAY!" But you get the gist.

"I already signed you up, all you need to do is let Alice work her magic. She's like your manager," Edward smiled.

"Funny," I glared. "Ok letsth do thisth thang." I sighed and adjusted my super-ultra padded bra to make it plump. Hey if I was going to dress like a girl, I was going to do it right. And that calls for the big guns...er, boobs.

As I strutted into the place like I owned it, I heard gasps. Oh yeah. I'm beautiful, be jealous. I double checked to make sure I was signed in and headed toward the dressing rooms. Quickly I was hit again with emotions. It was worse than it was outside. Emotions on acid then dipped in crack.

A bald chubby man came up to me and shoved me into a giant room with clothes. And girls, lots of girls. Most guys would be pleased, but when your a guy with powers to feel every inch of emotion, it sucks titanium monkey balls, to be truthful.

Then I began feeling like a pedophile, because let's face it I was like 60 years old. And then I saw Alice. "Ok put this on Jazz- Jazline," she giggled and shoved a pink feathered outfit into my arms.

I groaned for what seemed like the hundredth time today, and began to feel giddy. I took the black dress off and slipped on the pink one.

"Oheemgee! Aliiiiice! Why the hell doesth thisth look like the outfit from White Chicks!" I said using my lisp.

"Oh, I forgot!" she giggled. "It's a zoo themed pageant, hun!" and then she pushed me through some curtains.

**Em POV**

Alice came back and almost sat on top of me with her freaky pixie nature, as soon as Jasper- I mean "Jazline" stood outside the red velvet curtains on stage. He-she-IT stood in an awkward position like a dog that just got caught dragging itself on new carpet and running with its tail behind its legs. Then he/she (hermaphrodite? Look, Edward just laughed. Get out of my head!) smiled as the silence settled in the audience.

He/she began to strut on the cat walk while pink feathers flew everywhere. Once he/she got to the end he flipped his extension-ed hair and began doing hip thrusts.

"Woo! Oh man! I want a peice of that!" I yelled to encourage him. My family began clapping and soon everyone else was laughing and clapping.

I whispered to the lady with old people smell, "That's my little sister. She is mentally challenged, but it's her dream to enter a pageant. Well, this, and to become a stripping pimp."

She looked at me like I had just told her that I think bananas are the portals to the fruity world that Mike Newton lives in, and began clapping her hands.

"Go, Jazzy! You best shake that thing for me like that when we get home, sweetie!" I called out.

Bella burst out laughing. "Emmett shut up!"

"I thought you said she was your sister," the old-people-smelling lady asked me.

"Oh she is. What made you think she wasn't?" I said wiggling my eyebrows. Her eyes widened like dinner plates, or Rosalie's glorious ass cheeks. Edward laughed harder.

I glared at him. "Out of my head! Don't tell her I said that or she'll have my nutsack on a platter." I thought in my head, knowing he was reading it.

Jasper walked back shaking his his hips and turned around to blow a kiss.

"Woo! I'm tapping that!" Alice grinned like a maniac.

"Oh oh! Me too!" I yelled, confined with myself.

"Me three!" Bella laughed. "DON'T BE JEALOUS!" Edward looked at her shocked and covered her mouth.

After all the girls went through one round Jasper came out again. This time he appeared with a coconut bra, and an elephant type of mask for a bottom. Trunk, ears, and all.

I stood up straighter in my chair. "Oh man! Sexy beast coming!" I yelled and elbowed old-people-smelling lady.

She scoffed and I'm pretty sure she said "No manners, sexy young devil!" Can you say 'Cougar'?

"Shake what your mama gave ya'!" Rosalie whistled.

"Turn! Turn! Turn!" Edward and I chanted.

"Bring the house down Jazzy!" Jacob called.

When he got to the end of the cat walk, he dipped it low and began popping it.

"Woo! Beasty!" Alice and Bella giggled.

Then we all began to chant while the audience chimed in. "Go Jazzy, it's your birthday!" It was contagious. Even Lady-that-smells-like-old-people got in.

Once Jasper returned back to the curtain, the host with a topee came out and cleared his throat. "Well that was quite something now, wasn't it? OK! The votes are in! Ladies, if you will make your way back on the stage?" about twenty or so girls came out (that's what he said!) and when Jasper passed the host, I could almost swear he growled seductively. He even made a subtle grab for Jazzy's ass.

Jasper hissed and the host focused back and cleared his throat again. "Uhem. And the winner is... Jazline Whitlock!"

A blond girl came up and put a crown on his head. She put a sashay on him and held out a bouquet of roses. "Give me that bitch!" Jasper hissed and snatched the flowers out of her hands as she almost stumbled of the stage.

"Oheemgee! You like really love meh!" he gushed and stepped forward.

"Woo!" I yelled and ran up the stage.

I picked Jasper up thinking it would be cool and all, but instead I heard several gasps. It got really quiet except for Edward telling me to out him down, but I ignored his party pooping ways. No one moved and Jasper and I stayed in our triumph pose: Me with Jasper on my shoulder while he lifted his arms and legs in the air in pure joy.

"IT'S A MAN!" someone yelled, making everything go into chaos.

"Nooo! Demon duct tape!" someone else yelled. Oops.

I put Jasper down, realizing that the elephant mask was a skirt...not shorts. Of all days not to wear underwear, Jasper picked today. Then all hell went loose. The host reached for the crown atop Jasper's head, causing him to growl.

"It's mine! Get away!" He snapped and ran like a mad man toward the double doors, leading to the exit.

"Hee-hee. I should go..." I said sheepishly and ran after Jasper followed by my family.

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**Woo! Finally! I hoped you guys enjoyed it with all your perverted imaginations. It's ok I have one too. *pictures Edward naked* **

**Anyway! I'll try to post as soon as I can but truthfully, I have no more ideas :(. Ideas would really make me happy but guess what will make me even happier! REVIEWS! I mean come one that's like the only reason I write.**

**Oh and apologies if I offended anyone... It's all for laughs. :)**

**Who ever reviews get Jasper in his coconut bra and elephant mask! :D Man form...unless your a guy...or...yeah...awkward...**

**Again thanks 'Esmeralda Marie Smith-Watson'! **

**REVIEW! :D**


	16. Wal Mart condoms and Kool Aid man

**AN:**

**Hey guys. This one came earlier, eh? I'm really just trying to finish this story up so I can work on my others, but let's see how this goes. Who likes cinnamon buns! (LOL buns) **

**Review! I really want to know if I should continue, or if you don't really care. I'll post again after I get at least 151 reviews. C'mon please! **

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**J POV**

I ran into Emmett's jeep - literally. A giant dent formed on the passenger side and I knew I was going to pay for that. I got in and shrank down to the bottom as a mob appeared. Hmph. Wouldn't be the first time. and then something slammed into the jeep making it tip over on it's side. I pulled myself up on a window to see what (or who) it was.

"What the hell! Who parked this here?" Emmett said lifting himself up from the floor.

I snorted as something poked my thigh. I lifted up my broken tiara. "You did and look! You broke my tiara!" I put it on my head but it came off lopsided.

"We must get ride of this evidence!" he pulled me out of the jeep and threw it out of sight. "Give me that!" he said and grabbed the tiara throwing it as well.

"Noooo! I hate you! Go die in a hole, you bulimic, llama, cow raping, Nazi!" I sobbed and ran after the tiara.

**Em POV**

I stood there dumbfounded. Edward tapped me on the shoulder as the mob inched closer.

"Where's the jeep?" he asked, Nessie and Bella over his shoulders.

I held my ground. "I did what I had to do. I got rid of the evidence."

"Ugh!" he knew better than to ask questions. Smart man...er, vampire. He ran off followed by Seth, and Jacob.

"Emmett! Where's Jasper?" Alice said tugging on my shirt.

"He ran after the tiara, don't worry he'll come back. Let's go home," I said throwing her over my shoulder as she fought and kicked.

"Jasper! Put me down, I need to find him!" Alice growled.

"Nope!" I said popping the 'p'.

I ran home, no longer hearing the mob behind me. I put Alice down once we got inside as she pouted. "Alright now what?"

"We wait for Jasper to come back to finish," Jacob said.

"Alright, Leah is boring me to death. I'm in," Rosalie sighed. From afar I heard Leah scream "Bitch!". And just as she finished, Jasper busted through the door. He was covered in moss and mud as he glared at me, with his tiara on his head.

Edward chuckled. "Care to explain what happened, for everyone's sake?"

"I officially hate elk. With a burning passion," he sighed.

Esme came in with cookies and brownies for Jacob, Seth, and Nessie and gasped. "Jasper Whitlock Hale Cullen! Get your ass outside now!"

"I didn't know she knew that word," I whispered.

"I've just about had enough of all of you breaking things! I mean look at you Jasper! It looks like a cat not only dragged you in but ate you, spit you out, and soiled itself on you!" she fumed, setting down the plate of food and dragging Jasper outside. "Clean this up. I don't care when or how just do it," she said pointing to the floor covered in brown and green.

"Poor Jasper..." Bella whispered as she hugged herself.

Edward hugged her. "He's just getting the hose."

It was quiet for a bit until I broke the silence. "Well I'm not cleaning that up."

"Yes you are you threw his crown," Alice scolded.

"TIARA!" Jasper yelled from outside.

I growled and went to clean it while Esme came in _tsk_-ed us and walked upstairs. She shut her room and all I heard was, "Come to Dr. Love. He wants to give you some of this magical jungle." I swear they were worse than Rosalie and I.

"Aah! OK Truth or dare time! JASPER!" Alice screamed trying to cover up the noise of things breaking upstairs.

He came in fully dressed and clean. "Seth."

"Damnit! Truth," he said fiddling with his hands.

"Wuss!" I laughed.

Jasper glared. "Ya' know what, I think I'm going to make things interesting...Emmett and Seth. Truth or dare."

"Truth!" Seth said at the same I yelled, "Dare!"

"Pick one hurry," Jasper said impatiently.

I glared at Seth but we began whispering. I sat back once we decided. "Dare."

"Alice will help you with this don't worry. Go to Wal-Mart and empty them of..._intimate _things..."

"I told you truth!" Seth shot up from the couch and pointed.

Jasper then proceeded to tell us what to do in explicit detail.

o0o

I am so going to kill my so-called "brother". I grabbed a shopping cart with Alice and Seth in tow.

"Head toward the hair products and stuff," Alice said as Seth caught up to me.

Seth and I began to bring down all the condoms from the isle even the extra small ones. Like _I_ would ever use that. Jasper maybe. Edward even more so, I mean it was an urban myth he even had one before their honeymoon.

We headed toward the checkout counter and met Seth helped me dump all of our goodies on the counter. The cashier looked at us wide eyed, from Seth to me and back.

I chuckled. "Oh it's not for us. I mean if it was why would we buy condoms. No pregnancy chance there," I scoffed as the cashier look relieved.

"There's your sister hurry up so we can go, this is awkward for me," Seth nudged me as Alice appeared pushing another cart with little boxes of _the pill_.

She plopped them on the counter with the condoms and smacked my ass. This was not in the job description! Fine she wanted to play that way I would. I winked and growled seductively. The cashier's eyes widened once more.

"Sister?" he asked under his breath.

"You're just jealous your sister is not as hot as mine! And I get laid!" I accused as he gasped. "Oh, yeah! I went there!" I said pointing dramatically.

"Seth get our things. We'll drop you off, hmph!" I said as I stood up straight and threw Alice over my shoulder like a rag doll.

I put her down and burst out laughing. We waited until Seth came out and handed the things to Jasper who was supposed to discard of them. Or give them to Nessie.

We walked back in and went to the produce section. I went through everything looking for something that seemed sexual. STRAWBERRIES! Strawberries are sexual right? I put ten boxes in the cart and went to look for Alice and Seth.

I found Alice holding seven bottles of syrup and three boxes of cherries. Then I thought of Rose and the time that she tied a knot in the cherry stem. And then she- No focus Emmett! Alice threw the contents in the cart and got on top of the cart sitting while I pushed her to where Seth was.

He came over and dumped nine tubs of whip cream in the cart and told us to follow him. "What do you think? Chocolate or strawberry syrup?"

"My mind is telling me strawberry but what does the crowd say?" I said looking at Alice.

She thought for a little. "Chocolate."she nodded.

"Wise choice," he said putting enough to more than drown a banana split.

"Wait I know exactly what is missing!" I said running to the electronics section. I came back and put a CD inside the cart where Alice was in.

"Gaye Martin?" she giggled?

Seth took it from her. "Who's that- Oh. I've never heard this song."

"Yes you have! Everyone has!" I yelled and began to sing. "I've been really tryin' baby. Tryin' to hold back this feeling for so long. And if you feel like I feel, baby, then c'mon, oh, c'mon. Let's get it on. Ah, baby, let's get it on. Let's love baby-"

"THAT'S THE SONG YOU ALWAYS HUM TO ROSALIE!" Alice yelled and pointed.

I rubbed a hand on my neck. "Hah, uh, to the register!" I said running and pushing the cart as Alice almost fell out. She hopped out but we avoided the last register we went to.

**A POV**

"Where's Seth?" I asked before we got in line to pay.

"Dunno. Put them on the counter," Emmett said helping me. Once again the cashier looked at us as again.

He groaned. "Seth where are you! We're paying!"

Seth came jogging. "Sorry, hun. I forgot the lube," he told Emmett

I giggled. "Wow you two are gonna have fun. I'll drop you off at Seth's," I winked.

"Alice fun is not the word, fun is standing in line to Space Mountain. What we are going to do is getting on Space Mountain," Emmett winked at Seth.

"Damnit! Emmett I forgot the handcuffs in your car," he groaned.

"The fuzzy ones or the red ones?" Emmett asked him faking concern.

"Red. I left the fuzzy ones at my place," he chuckled.

The cashier stuttered. "Th-that will be uh," he was distracted by Seth rubbing his arm. "Uh, um, 72.89."

"Don't worry love birds, I'll pay," I said pulling out her credit card.

"Seth?" Emmett said batting my eyelashes. "My butt hurts."

He seemed shocked at first then an evil glint was in his eyes. "I can't promise I'll fix it. In fact I might make it worse."

"For God's sake! This is a family place!" the cashier said.

"Please! This is our discretion!" Seth said in mock offense. "You want to see something that shouldn't even be legal? I'll show you, freak boy!"

"Oh no." - cashier

"Mmhmm." - Seth

"Oh no!" - cashier

And then the Kool-Aid man bust through the door, "OH YEAH!"

"No no no!" - cashier

"OH YEAH!" - Kool-Aid man

"Hey Kool-Aid man," Emmett asked.

"OH YEAH?" he said looking at Emmett with his creepy face.

Emmett wiggled his eyebrows. "Want to ride Space Mountain?"

"OOOH YEEEEAH!" he said smacking Emmett's ass. Emmett, Seth, and the Kool-Aid man walked out with their goods and I was left alone.

Who the hell would drink Kool-Aid man let alone get with him. When he busts through walls, debris falls in, and he expects children to drink it. I mean he's a fucking pedophile! Busting in little kids houses saying 'OH YEAH'. Might as well do hip thrusts, and gyrate on them.

The cashier coughed and I smiled and walked out. They were already in the car with Kool-Aid man. "Who the hell is that?" I asked.

"Kool-Aid man," Seth smiled.

I continued to drive until we were home and the four of us got out. "Alright who is it?" I said to the 'Kool-Aid man'.

"It's Jasper!" Emmett said like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"Really?" I asked.

"OH YEAH!"

I thought for a bit. "Space Mountiain?"

There was a pause. "OOOOH YEEEAAAH!"

I might not actually hate the Kool-Aid man anymore.


	17. Charlie's Issue, and Matress Mambo

**You guys are so freaking awesome! Thanks for everyone who reviewed, sorry if the past chapter was a bit confusing...I didn't check it, I just posted. Sorry!**

**Who saw the midnight showing of Eclipse! I did and I've only slept for three hours so I'm sleep deprived. That's ok, it was so worth it!**

**On another note... WHO SWOONED WHEN JASPER WAS TALKING ABOUT HIS PAST AND YOU COULD HEAR HIS SOUTHERN ACCENT! -fan girl scream- Don't get me wrong I'm totally for Team Edward but...the man is sexy! I have a soft spot for him :)**

**I love Jacob but he was pissing me off. DID HE LOOK GREASY OR WAS IT JUST ME?**

**Ok enough about my rant. Enjoy and review! :D**

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****A POV**

What a rush. After Jasper – better known as the 'Kool-Aid man' – and I came back from our...'hunting trip', we came back to find everyone surrounding Emmett and Seth while they scowled. Surprisingly, I could still hear Esme and Carlisle going at it; apparently, Esme was a very reckless cab driver, and Carlisle needed to show her the real way to give people 'rides'. I gaged myself, praying to whoever was listening, hoping that by some magical force, vampires turned deaf. But, I could only be so lucky.

"Alright, alright, leave the couple alone," Jasper said trying to calm everyone down.

"Wow, thanks for having my back brother," Emmet growled.

Bella giggled. "Well, look at the bright side! It's your turn to implode someone's world."

"Implode?" Rosalie asked.

Bella glared. "Yes _implode_. Explode is over used," she pouted.

"Wait! How are we supposed to pick someone if it was two of us. And the pixie," Emmett said nodding towards me.

I glared at him. "All three of us pick someone."

Everyone went rigid as the possibilities ran through their minds. I mentally patted myself on the back. I sat next to Emmett and Seth and pulled out a piece of paper so Edward wouldn't read our thoughts.

**(AN: **_Alice-Italics, _Emmett-Underlined, Seth-Plain**)**

-Beginning of Note-

_So who's it going to be my minions?_

*Gasp* I am not an onion!

_Read it again, pup!_

Oooh! 'minion'!

_*face palm*_

The point of this note is to include EVERYONE! You guys are leaving me out.

_You'll just pick Edward, and something to do with his past dry spell._

Touche.

Jacob!

_No too obvious._

How so?

_*face palm*_

Fine Alice! What do you suggest?

_Rosalie._

No!

Yes! She thought it would be cool to buy me a chew toy. Then she said, "Here, Seth. Think of it as an early birthday present for you and Nessie. Its a 'toy'." And she winked!

_Rofl!_

Hahaha! Wait, like a sex toy?

_Yes, Emmett. *Gasp* You are a freaking genius Emmett!_

I am? I mean of course I am! ...Why?

That's awesome! We should!

Wait what?

_Emmett! Quick! Pick someone else too!_

Edward-

_Except for Edward_

I didn't finish! Uh. Edward...'s wife!

_Excellent! *whispers to Seth the idea*_

I think I'm going to gush!

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!

-End of note-

With that, Seth handed me the note and smiled cruelly, while Emmett looked as confused as a straight guy who was just looking for a good time, and walked into a gay strip club. Oh the irony (not really, the moment just felt that I should say that).

I made sure I made eye-contact with everyone in the room. It would have seemed more threatening, if not for the constant reminder that my supposedly decent parents were getting busy with 'driving lessons' upstairs.

I gripped the paper to my front, cleared my throat, and began, "We have come to a consent. Will Bella and Rosalie, please step forward," Oh yeah, I was so totally doing this show host style.

Bella and Rosalie looked at each other and stepped forward together. Block your thoughts, Alice, block your thoughts, "Truth...or dare?"

They stared at each other again and began whispering. After a few seconds, Rosalie spoke up. "Dare."

"Bella I dare you to go to Charlie, and ask him for $500 to buy toys," she looked relieved. Hah! "Sex toys. This has to happen after he finds you and Rosalie laying in your room late at night."

Both their mouths dropped. And Emmett whispered a small "Oooh."

"Yes, my ladies. There's only one way to wake Charlie. That means noises, and all that good stuff," Seth smiled maliciously. I liked this kid!

"Make it _very_ convincing," Emmett wiggled his eyebrows, "And _very_ interesting."

"Charlie is like 50– " Bella gaped.

"He could have a heart attack!" Rosalie finished.

I tsked, "You guys are being melodramatic! Just get on with it."

The fumed as they walked out but not before Bella mouthed the words "I hate you".

~Insert Jasper's southern accent here~

**B POV**

Honestly, for a second I thought it wouldn't be too bad. Then I remembered I was doing it with Rosalie – damn those double meanings! – and I wanted to hang myself.

It was nearly twelve-thirty in the morning, and no doubt Charlie would be sleeping (probably with a beer in his hands). I opened the front door making sure to make noise, while Rosalie was upstairs, as planned.

Charlie yawned. "H-hey, Bells. What are you doing here?"

"Edward and I got into a fight. Mind if I stay in my old room? I won't bother you," I said bringing agitation to my tone.

He seemed to register that and sat up on the couch. "Yeah, of course, Bella. Mi casa is your casa, or whatever. Hand me that tequila bottle."

I looked at him confused and reached for the tequila bottle on the counter. "Tequila?"

He looked at me with a miserable expression. "I just realized Esme is your mother-in-law, and she's not single. Tequila is my only lady, now."

"Ok... I'm just going to head upstairs now, and pretend none of this happened," I said as I headed for the stairs.

"Yeah, I'm going to head in myself," he said as he took a drag of tequila and stumbled upstairs.

I ran into my room while I heard his door shut. Rosalie sat on my bed laughing and then began to quiet down when he started yelling. "WHY, ESME, WHY! STUPID PRETTY BOY DOCTOR! DID OUR TIME TOGETHER RE-FURBISHING GAY BARS MEAN NOTHING TO YOU!"

Rosalie and I covered our mouths to stop from laughing. We heard a booming laugh from outside, knowing our family was there listening in. "Now what?" Rosalie asked.

"Well, he's still sobbing, so I think we should wait until he sleeps," I sighed sitting down on the old rocking chair, as she got up and began looking through my desk drawers.

"There's something called personal property," I said.

She scoffed. "We are about to share a bed in a bit. That and ask Charlie for 'toys' which will lead him to believe I'm not just Edward's sister...My lover," she said for a good measure, and snickered.

"Eh, you're right," I sighed. She continued to scavenge through my things until Charlie began snoring.

"Damnit," she crused. "He's snoring heavily. Charlie!" she yelled. We heard laughing from my husband's musical voice.

His snoring continued. "See! This is going to be loud. Very loud and explicit. Ok not that explicit," she added when I stared at her wide-eyed. I sighed in relief.

"I say we jump on the bed, when he comes in we'll get under the covers," I said getting on the bed.

"Fine. I call the top," she said. "What? I like to be dominant is all."

We began jumping on the bed hard enough to make noise, but not enough to break the bed.

**Charlie POV**

"Oh Charlie! I'm so glad you feel the same way! Carlise – he just doesn't cut it anymore," Esme said running into my arms.

"Ssh. It's ok now. I'm here," I comforted.

"Oh Bella! Yes!" she began screaming.

I stared at her. "Esme?"

"Take me there, Bella!"

And then I woke up to find it was a damn shit-hole dream. Fuck. My. Life. With sand paper.

I hit my fore head with my palm. So this is what I'm resorted to? Wet dreams? I suck. It wasn't until I began to focus that I heard screaming. Not the kind of screaming Bella used to do when Edward left her, either.

"OhmyCarlisle! Yes!" Bella cried.

Someone moaned. It was not Bella. Or a man's voice. I mean I knew about Edward sneaking into my daughter's room, I mean he would sneak in here and steal my clothes and beer. "Oooh! Bella!"

I got up and walked slowly to Bella's room. I was about to knock until I heard something that questioned my daughter's sexuality. "Edward has nothing on you Rosie! Oh Rose!"

And then I heard slapping. "Who's your mama! Who is it! Say it!"

"You are! OHMYGAWD YOU ARE!" my own damn _daughter_ moaned. The bed was rocking in ways I never thought was possible of rocking.

"Emmett was never as gentle as you are, Bells," Rosalie gasped.

Bella began screaming. "OHMYGAWD! OH MYGAAAAAWD! ROSE I THINK I'M GONNA – "

"ME TOO BELLA, ME T – "

"What the hell is going on here!" I said busting in the door, my drinking long gone.

Bella gasped. "Dad this is not what it looks like."

I gaped with my mouth open wide. The room was in a wreck. The desk turned on it's side. Clothes everywhere, the lamp on the floor broken, and the – gulp – toys. Broken into itty bitty peices, yet still recognizable. Rosalie's usually neat hair was wild and in giant tangled knots. Same was Bella, but the worse part was they were both under the blankets – a Tinker Bell blanket that was now _tainted_, as Rosalie was on top of Bella. Everything was covered except for their heads. Did I mention Rosalie's head was by Bella's feet and vise versa? Oh ok, now I did.

"Bella, I think he has a right to know," Rosalie spoke up.

I was literally numb. "Know what? Bella? Know what? Answer me now or so God help me, my foot will be inserted so far up your ass – " I was cut off my Rosalie snorting and I swear she mumbled "Like that's not happened before".

"Ok, this is exactly what it looks like," Bella admitted.

"You know what? I think this is a dream. Yeah, it's a dream, I'm going to go to bed and hope I wake up," I said turning on my heal.

"Dad wait!" Bella called after me and finally caught up as I got to my door. "Um. Rose and I were wondering..."

I sighed. "What Bella?"

"Could you lend me $500?" she asked sheepishly.

I stared at her, my eyebrow twitching. "What the hell do you need five-hundred dollars for, Bells?"

"Um," she looked at the ground. "I'll be straight out with you. Toys. As you can see, we kind of broke them in there..." she began with a lustful look in her eyes.

"STOP! NO JUST – I HATE THIS DREAM! I WANT TO WAKE UP!" I pinched myself. "WAKE UP!"

"Er...I'll just go..."

"Yeah," I muttered shutting the door. "I really need to lay off the alcohol." I said as I collapsed into bed.

I really hope this is a dream. I'm no homophobe, but I'm starting to like Edward a whole lot better.

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**OK awesome! Finally I'm done! I just had an epiphany so bam! Here it is. Thanks for the reviews, everyone of them is a great piece of criticism! Review, you guys are making me bring these chapters out like an old person running out of a burning nursing home! :D**

**Again, sorry if I offended anyone, it's all fore laughs. Feel free to scold me!**

**Review! It makes me update faster! **

**To XxMzMaryJaneWhitlockxX, I think I'm going to use your idea next chappy. :) I just had to bring this one out.**


	18. Yellow Speedos

**Oh. My. Edward. (And Jasper's accent). Guess who's awesome? You guys are! I'm surprised at how much attention my story is getting, whether it's reviews, alerts, or favorites, just *gasp*! And a fair amount of you are reading my author's notes. You guys get and 'A'! And virtual cookies!**

**Thanks to XxMzMaryJaneWhitlockxX for the idea! I just improvised somewhat :) **

**And to FishluvsJasperCullen I totally agree with you :) When Edward broke off Victoria's head, people at my theater started clapping and saying 'ZACK EFRON GOT NOTHING ON EDWARD!' We live sadistic times! But hey, I'm not arguing. ;D**

**On the last note, I have decided that as soon as I conjure up a really blow-your-mind-to-bits ending, I will end this story. But, I think you guys are fairly safe, because I can't think of crap. :)**

**Enjoy!  
**

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B POV**

I had left Charlie's house as soon as he woke up, claiming that I needed to speak to Edward. He kept looking at me with weird looks, and asked if I had cleaned my room. Since I knew why he was asking I just gave him a dubious expression and asked why, if it had _been_ clean. He shook his head and muttered, "Damn alcohol."

Now, we were found sitting, Rosalie by my side, as we glared at everyone in the room. To stop us from hearing the lust-crazed vampires upstairs, we were in the backyard. We picked our victims as soon as we had left Charlie's house, and now we were going to get revenge. Sweet, sweet revenge.

"Edward, and Emmett," Rosalie smiled menacingly.

I grinned. "Truth or dare?"

The two vampires looked at each other and Emmett spoke up. "Dare, duh."

"We dare you to go around the neighborhood, and steal people's pets for a day. You can return them after an hour, or when they recognize it's gone. In nothing but a yellow Speedo, fairy wings, and fishnet stockings," Rosalie smiled at them sweetly. "I think Emmett should carry a wand."

"Fine," Emmett said not looking worried.

Rose smiled even wider. "Oh and sweet, darling, husband of mine, you have to tell Charlie you got Bella pregnant."

"What!" both men gaped.

"Edward you then have to confess your undying love to my father," I restrained myself from giggling. Our family burst out laughing as the two vampires glared.

I looked at Alice. "Yes, you get to design all the good stuff."

Alice grinned and jumped up. She headed to her room, dragging the pouting men.

o0o0o0o0o0o

**Em POV**

I wanted to scream. Like, literally, scream until I couldn't anymore. I had the worst wedgies; I kept picking at my ass crack, trying to get the satin – yes satin – out of there. I had no clue how girls did this. I have to stop putting Rose through this crap. I felt guilty forcing her into her skimpy thong.

Edward groaned and pulled the fabric out of his butt once again. "I feel so exposed."

"It's the price we pay for playing this damn game," I said snapping the elastics on my wings. They then decided it would be awesome to shower me in yellow and pink glitter. As if I didn't sparkle enough in the sun.

"It was your fault! I blame this all on you," he growled, adjusting the Speedo straps.

I began to laugh. "Hahaha! Eddie, my junk looks like big bird."

"Really, Emmett? At a moment like this?" he sighed.

Alice clasped her hands. "Ok! You guys are done! Oh wait!" she scavenged through her second closet – mostly consisting of costumes and skimpy-wear that she probably wore while role playing (Edward laughed) with Jasper – and she pulled out two black, lined with red, boxes.

She opened them both and handed us nets. "What the hell are these for?" I asked her as I stretched them out.

"Fishnet stockings of course," she giggled.

I frowned as Edward groaned again. "Alice these are tiny."

She put a hand to her forehead. "Edward, they stretch. Put them on and stop whining. You have pets to 'save' and Charlie to see."

I pulled my foot through one of the legs, only to hear a rip. "Alice? You don't happen to have another pair, do you?"

She sighed and handed me another black box. Finally after Alice helping me and seven stockings later, she pushed us in front of a mirror. We both had on yellow Speedos and fishnet stockings, but Edward had yellow wings, with yellow and purple glitter, while I had yellow and pink glitter.

In other circumstances – meaning when I didn't have cloth going into my butt crack – I would have made fun of Edward, and said I looked sexy.

"I look sexy," I said wiggling my eyebrows at my reflection. Oh I guess I did do it.

I turned to see Alice and Edward staring at me. "I really, truly, worry about you sometimes," she said patting my arm.

"Thanks?" I more asked and walked downstairs.

Nessie was drinking soda and it poured out of her mouth and nose when she saw me. That caused Jacob to laugh, then Seth, Bella, Jasper, and Rose in a chain reaction.

"Laugh all you want! Especially you Bella, since I got you 'pregnant'," I growled and grabbed the wand from Alice's hands. "Come on Edward we have pets to steal and save."

I walked out after Edward did, as Jasper, Seth, and Jacob made barfing noises. Damn the Speedos!

o0o0o0o0o

"Ok there it is," Edward whispered.

I nodded. "I'm going in. Have my back."

I looked behind to the forest where our family was hidden behind the trees. I looked back to the German Sheppard lying on the grass, its belly up. I ran vampire speed and retrieved the dog as it began to howl and growl.

"Bite my wings and you are toast, Mr. Curly-Winkle," I growled back. "That's right I know your name!" Bella ran to my side and took the dog and ran back.

"Ok. I say we take three dogs at a time and then return them," Edward said as we moved on to another house.

"That's boring! Let's just take them all and then return them one at a time," I said running for another dog as he ran for a cat.

We returned to the forest and handed them to the girls. In a few minutes, we had gathered all the dogs and cats from the neighborhood. Our whole living room was full of growling, barking, meowing, purring, scratching, biting, and any other type of animal reaction possible.

"Emmett, what the hell is the fish doing here?" Edward asked holding up a fish bowl.

I shrugged. "It's a pet isn't it?"

"A pet that can't run or fly, let alone _has no legs_," he said through his teeth.

"I just grabbed every pet! See I even brought that turtle!" I snapped back.

"You are returning the pets that shouldn't be here," he said.

Alice screamed, and ran downstairs. "EMMETT!"

"Yes, my dear sister?" I asked batting my eyelashes.

"Why the hell is there a llama eating my haute couture Chanel cashmere sweater?" She fumed holding a sweater attached to the mouth of an animal.

"Well my adorable, naive sister. That is not a llama; it's an alpaca, and it apparently likes cashmere. That sweater looks plain anyway," I said holding the alpaca under my arm.

She took a breath. "Emmett. This sweater is made from a high-quality, expensive fabric, sewn with the utmost _extreme_ attention to detail and _finish, _using time-consuming, hand-executed techniques–" and blah, blah, blah. At that point I just stared at her like I understood everything she was saying. I even nodded and said 'uh-huh' and 'mmm yeah', but she saw the glitch through my façade.

"You didn't understand a single word I said, did you?" she asked me.

I nodded up and down, "No."

"Just keep it out of my room!" she yelled and ran upstairs slamming the door

"Well then. How many hours has it been?" I asked Bella, petting the alpaca as it chewed its new sweater diligently. Om, nom, nom.

She looked at her watch. "About three hours."

Alice came running from downstairs. "It's time!"

"I never thought I would say this, but thank God for Jasper," Edward sighed and picked up several dogs.

I followed his example and headed out with my alpaca, turtle, and fish.

o0o0o0o0o

_Ding, dong._

I stood next to Edward as he held a gray cat. We waited and I decided to knock again. The door opened to reveal a blond haired woman holding tissue paper to her eyes. "Oh my God! You found William!" she sobbed and grabbed the cat from Edward's hands. "Where were you William Shakespeare? I was looking for you everywhere!"

"We found him in the woods as we were taking a stroll," Edward cleared his throat.

The lady finally recognized our existence and looked us up and down, gasping. She stopped breathing for a second and gained focus once again. "Um. Th-thank you. Um..."

"No need to thank us lady! Just doing our job," I smiled as Edward and I walked away, heading for the next house.

She mumbled. "What job? From working at the gay strip?"

I turned and winked at the lady as she oogled my ass. We turned the corner and continued to repeat the process until we had almost finished with the animals.

"Ok the only things left are the fish and the llama," Edward said picking at his ass crack.

That gave me the same urge, so I did what and normal person would do. I picked at _my_ ass crack and adjusted my junk. "Damnit! How many times do I have to tell you people! It is an alpaca. Say it with me: AL-PA-CA. Eddie, you're not saying it."

He stared at me and smacked my head. "Ew! You picked your butt crack with that hand!" I groaned as he laughed.

We headed to the final two houses as he handed the alpaca to the man with the alpaca farm while I headed to the gold fish's house. I knocked and quickly the door was opened.

"Hello. How in the world...?" an elderly man said looking at my scandalous outfit and the fish bowl.

I stood up straighter. "Hello sir, my friend and I just happened to find the bowl sitting out on your yard. We brought it back for you," I said as Edward came up beside me.

"A fish bowl can't just get up and walk itself out there," he said eyeing me.

"I agree. You just might have yourself an extraordinary fish sir. Congratulations," I said shaking his hand and handing him the fish bowl.

He glared at my hand like it was some kind of infectious disease. "Hold on there; let me get you some of my wife's famous cookies."

I looked at Edward as the old man disappeared. "Oh no," Edward mumbled. "Run."

"What? The cookies can't be that bad," I scoffed at him.

The old man appeared at the door with a shot gun in his hands. He snapped it. "Get off my lawn! I don't know if this is what you young people are into now, or if you are one of them man-sluts! Get off my yard!"

We began running human speed but that old man was probably in the track team or something, because he caught up pretty quickly. We ran farther into the woods when finally we lost him. Well, not before a bullet hit Edward's chest and bounced back.

"Holy crap! He had to be part of the old people mafia!" I whispered.

Edward adjusted his wings straps and looked at me. "We have one last thing to do."

"Ok, I'll save you the embarrassment and go first," I said.

"You know Charlie owns a gun too," he said when we began running to the police station.

"Damn. Well, he can't shoot me in public," I sighed.

Once we got to the police station we walked in there like we owned the place. The man at the reception desk choked on his coffee, probably stunned by our fine asses.

Edward looked at the man and spoke in a serious tone. "Chief Swan please. Make it snappy."

"Er... sure. Hey wait! Aren't you that Cullen boy I arrested a few years ago?" he said eyeing Edward. His eyes stayed on his chest and a bit lower – if you get my drift.

"Uh. I have no clue what you're talking about," Edward said trying to subtly cover himself.

"No, no. I remember. You're the mentally unstable one right? The one with the underwear on your head?" he said putting his eyes on Edward's chest.

I turned around to see if he would look at my ass, but nooo. All the attention was on Edward. I pouted as Edward half chuckled.

"Can we please see Chief Swan?" Edward asked strained. I turned around to face the man as he nodded to the door that said 'Head Honcho – Swan'. We walked to the door as the man now put his eyes on Edward's ass. I walked behind Edward, cutting his view, and I knew for that Eddie was grateful.

He knocked on the door as the man made kissy faces at me. "I think we should tell Charlie about that one," I said.

"You can tell him, I have to tell him I love him," he hissed.

"No you don't. You have to 'declare your undying love' for him," I said reminding him.

Charlie opened the door and stumbled backwards at the sight of us. "Charlie," I nodded. "We are here because we really need to tell you a few things."

"Are you going to tell me that you are in that suit because of illegal deeds you two have done? Per say...prostitution?" he asked looking from Edward to me.

"No but for one, the man up there I think did want something to do with this," I said running a hand over my body for emphasis. Charlie shuddered and sat on his desk. He gestured for us to take seats on the two chairs, so I shut the door behind me.

He cleared his throat. "So what is it you would like to tell me, boys?" he asked unsure he wanted the answer.

"Charlie. On the night of two Thursdays ago," damn, that sounded better in my head, "I was with Bella at home, while Edward left me babysitting her. Don't ask." he raised an eyebrow at Edward, "That being said, I took a chance that Edward was to girly to take. Therefore, sir, impregnated your daughter. We are having twins named Charlisle Jasward and Rosalice Bellett." (pronounce it Char-lizzle)

Charlie stared at me unblinking, and crushed his plastic cup in his hand. The plastic cracked, and his hand twitched to his gun.

"You, uh, you broke your cup there," I said sheepishly.

"Mmhmm."

It was awkward for a few minutes as Charlie kept looking at me. He still didn't blink; it was like a long staring contest.

Edward spoke up. "CHARLIEILOVEYOU. I . MYLOVEISUNDYING!" (Charlie I love you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. My love is undying!)

Just then, I think something in Charlie snapped. He grinned evilly at us, like in those terror movies. In a swift motion he reached for the gun and aimed at me. He shot the rifle but it missed me and instead hit the wall behind me, right next to my ear.

"Run!" Edward yelled and we ran vampire speed, but not until we heard. "IT'S PAY BACK WORLD! MY DAUGHTER IS NOT A PREGNANT LESBIAN! PRETTY BOY DOES NOOOT LOVE ME! EEEEESSSSMMMMEEEE!" followed by dozens of bullets shooting everywhere.

We ran home and hid in Alice's closet until we saw the sun rise.

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**Hope you guys liked this chapter! I'm really running out of ideas, any help? **

**Review! Once I get up to 160 reviews I hope to update. MAKE MY DAY GRASSHOPPA!**

**Thanks for all the people that review over and over again! You guys are awesome freaking sauce! You know who you are! **


	19. Marcus' fantasy

**Thanks for all the reviews, and all that good stuff! And sorry for the long update, I've been procrastinating and stuff.**

**I know it's been a while. I give you guys updates, one after another, and then I disappear of the face of the planet. But I too have a life, though not very flexible (that's what he said, sorry I had to do it!)**

**You guys are so awesome I just want to give you all a big hug, but I won't for several reasons, one being I might get a restraining order against me. Sorry for the mistakes and stuff. I'm not pointing fingers but before you judge, be sure your spelling degrades mine. What can I say? Sadly, I'm only human (:**

**Again thanks to **_**XxMzMaryJaneWhitlockxX**_** for the idea, she is so awesome sauce. Go show her some lovin', because she is now officially my go-to chick for ideas. I just tweak it around a bit. OH YEAH!**

**To EllieLovesUrStories, I feel so loved! I'm hoping to use your idea next chappy *gushes*. Thanks!**

***Emmett gives you hug and smacks your ass* You have to take at least that. Read on!**

**E POV**

I still couldn't believe my own wife put me through _that_. I would have never seen it coming. The tables had turned yes, but now was our time for glory. I had to give Emmett credit for this one, it was planned to perfection.

"Alice, Jasper, and Nessie. Dare or dare?" Emmett grinned.

Jasper stood up. "You have to al least give us the option of truth!"

"Do not!"

"Do too!"

"Do nooot!"

"Doooo tooo!

"Nuh-uh!"

"Yeah-huh!"

And this continued for about fifteen minutes. Truthfully, it was entertaining.

"Seven-thousand, nine-hundred, twenty-two times, no!" Emmett challenged once more.

"Seven-thousand, nin-hundred, twenty-THREE times, yes!" Jasper counter attacked.

"Seven-th-"

Alice got up and slapped both of them. "Ok! Shut up! We're picking dare anyway."

"You know what, Alice! I'm sick of the abuse! I refuse to be treated this way! From now on you all shall call me 'Oh great one, Shama-llama-ding-dong'," Emmett yelled and pouted next to Rosalie.

"Ooookaaay," Alice replied and backed away.

I cleared my throat, trying to clear the uneasiness in the room. "Anyway. You're dare is to go to Italy and kidnap one of the Volturi, preferably Aro. On the way there, flirt and hit on all the Volturi guards until you run out."

"Make is so that they either want to take you right then and there," Emmett said.

"Or, feed your remains to some other mythical creature that has an appetite for hard things," I added.

"That's what she said!" Emmett yelled.

Rosalie glared at him. "Emmett, what did I tell you about those jokes?"

He sighed. "'They should be removed from my vocabulary, unless I really want blue balls.' But Rose! Edward egged me on!" She continued to glare. "Shutting."

"To Italy!" Alice jumped up and ran outside.

"She's really excited about this dare," Jasper said unsure.

Emmett came up and put an arm around his shoulder. "Yeah, I think it's just an excuse to cheat on you." Jasper's eyes widened.

o0o0o0o0o

**Nessie POV (Because I never use her :D)**

This was going to be pretty easy, aside from the kidnapping part. I meant the flirting. People-weather vampires or humans-were just attracted to me. Not trying to toot my own horn but... _toot toot._ What can I say it was a god given gift. For example just the other day, some loser in short-shorts-what was his name? Evan...Erin...ERIC!-began hitting on me saying 'How much for an hour'. Psssh. Last time I let Jacob dress me. Douche canoe.

"EMMETT FOR THE LAST FREAKING TIME! STOP GRABBING MY ASS!" Aunt Rose growled, Uncle Em's hand still attached to her buttocks. **(That's awkward, I'm going to use first names...SO SUE ME! Not really; please don't! *wallows in misery*)**

"But, it's just there...Inviting me...to grab...and...squeeze," he flexed his arm, my guess 'squeezing'.

"Emmett, you so much grab my ass one more time, I'm going to detach your left nut," she said as his arm flew off her butt.

"Why are we just standing in the plaza?" Jasper asked as I began looking around.

"Correction, you guys are in the shady part of the plaza, while Nessie, Seth, and I are in the _sun_," Jacob replied.

My dad **(awkward again...) **sighed. "And you feel the urge to correct this, because...?"

Jacob shrugged. "I just to put it out there. I couldn't resist an opening that big."

"That's what he said!" of course that was Emmett. Rose stared daggers at him. He shrunk down to Alice's size.

"Alright, deal is, you guys go in, we'll hide somewhere, in the depths of of the shadows," Edward said, mysteriously.

"Wow, that was a new low. You just went down to 'emo' along with Jasper. No, wait, you're one above 'constipated emo', which is where Jasper stands," Emmett laughed.

"Funny," Alice glared.

"That's right defend your emo lesbian lover. And by that I mean Edward," he smiled.

"Hold me back! Hold me back!" Alice said, as Bella grabbed her from attacking Emmett. "GET AT ME EMMETT-FREAKING-CULLEN!"

Next to Alice, Edward and Jasper were also being held back by Seth and Jacob.

"Emmett shut up or so God help me, I will not only detach one of your testicles, but I will shove it up your ass as well," Rosalie growled.

"Shutting."

I clasped my hands. "Hate to break it to all of you, but the sun is setting so we should be good to go..."

Emmett ran behind Rose and sulked, as Alice, Edward, and Jasper were put down. Alice, Jasper, and I walked toward the tower's door and we were immediately greeted by big buff guys. Jasper pushed me in front with Alice and disappeared outside. He had better not ditch us, he should be plotting a way to get Aro.

"Heeey, Felix, how's it going, baby cakes?" Alice said from under her lashes. "This is my, uh, friend Nessie. And Marcus, my, my. Working out are we?"

Marcus cleared his throat. "Alice."

Felix just nodded towards our direction. Great give me the biggest guy, why don't you.

"Oh, oh! Are you like those British soldiers that stand still and never move? Because you know, I _love_ a man in uniform," I winked at Felix.

He shifted around uncomfortably.

"Ladies, what is your business here in Voltera?" Marcus asked us.

Alice smirked. "Just what I was hoping you would ask, um Marcus can I talk to you somewhere more...private?"

He looked at Felix unsure of what to say. Felix nodded and Alice linked arms with Marcus and walked to were he lead her. Felix didn't take his eyes off me, as if I was going to pounce on him. Hmm. Maybe I will.

I stepped closer and ran a hand on his bicep. "I've heard a lot about you, Felix, and let me just say I am impressed."

He finally spoke, looking smug. "Oh, really? What have you heard?"

"Plenty," I said suggestively. I began to circle him running my hand on him as I did. He shuddered and stepped to the side.

"Um, if you, uh, need to go through, you can," he said, trying to get rid of me. I took it as an opening to finish the dare.

I nodded. "Thank you, dahhling." I turned on my heel toward the reception area ready for the blonde bimbo filing her nails.

**Alice POV**

As soon as Marcus shut the door I pushed him toward a wall. He looked at me wide-eyed as I stayed with a hand on his arm. Mwahaha! He's intimidated by me! Success!

"I'm going to cut to the chase, big, boy. Jasper just isn't cutting it out for me anymore. So guess who my thoughts went straight to?" he began nodding 'no', with a terrified look on his face. "Oh yeah, you."

"Alice I'm not sure-"

"Shut up! I came all this way for you and I am _not_ going back alone."

"I really think-"

"That's the problem you just think! Stop thinking. Your mind is telling you no, but your body is telling you yes!" I grabbed him from the shirt collar, when he pushed me back to get space.

"Please just-"

"NO! Edward told me everything you think about me," I said sitting down on an antique chair with my legs on top of its arm rest.

"W-what did he tell you?" he said stepping closer, trying to make me intimidated.

"Oh, stop with the tough, facade," I said paying attention to my nails. "He told me _everything_. Let me just say, I do not think any of it is far-fetched."

Of course I was just winging it, at this point, but his eyes widened as if I knew exactly what he was thinking. Edward never told me crap and I was kind of afraid if my words were actually true.

"I never thought he would tell you, after the cursing I told him. But then again, I am _very_ pleased he did." Oh hell no! Edward and I really need a heart to heart talk about Marcus. He stepped closer and closer picking me up bridal style as if I was a freaking piece of paper. I had to find a way out of this. God, where is Jasper when you need him?

I gasped, figuring what to do. "WAIT! I really didn't know all this, I just got in a fight with Jasper and wondered if you could come back and help me with my little situation."

Instead of dropping me to the floor as I foresaw, he continued to carry me. "No, after all you have told me, I know that's a lie. You are just afraid, but don't be. Marcus is here, to take care of you my little porcelain doll of the intimate nature." he told me.

THIS HAD BETTER NOT BE ONE OF HIS DAMN FANTASIES THAT I KNOW SQUAT ABOUT!

**Jasper POV**

I looked down from the ceiling where I was currently posted, singing the Mission Impossible song, and looked down to see Nessie flirting with Heidi. Well. You don't see that every day. I looked around to see if I could find Alice anywhere, but I didn't. All I felt was lust, and fright.

I was in the portion between the roof, and ceiling where I could be undetected. I continued humming to myself, a small comfort since I was going to kidnap Aro, a high freaking force in the freaking vampire society. What I was going to do is illegal. Like literally, there is a law that says 'If Aro is kidnapped, we will shove a foot up your ass.' Well no, it actually says 'bum', but you get my drift.

As I continued to crawl through the insulation, I heard a high pitched scream. Alice's high pitched scream. I lost my balance and fell through the ceiling, considering it was made of brick. That's vampire strength for you.

Heidi and Nessie looked at me shocked as if I just ran in here, naked, with a barrel as my only cover. Psh, not like that hasn't happened before. I stood up and dusted myself, before smiling at them cheekily.

"Howdy," I said waving slightly. "How are you Heidi? Good? Good. Excuse me for a second."

I ran towards the only door closed as Alice screamed again.

"Oh, God no!" Alice yelled.

"You're playing the part of the victim greatly! I am impressed," a male voice chuckled.

She growled. "I'm not playing! I actually think you are a rapist!"

That was all I needed to hear and I busted through the door, breaking the bolt lock. They both looked at me from the door. Alice was laying on the marble desk, her knees up and her hands on her shurt, tugging it down. Marcus was standing on the desk, his coat off and in his hands was a rope.

"What the-" my voice caught in my throat.

Alice ran to me and hid behind me. I growled at Marcus and lunged toward him while Alice fist pumped the air and yelled 'Ha! In your face'.

Let's see who's going to play the victim this time.

o0o0o0o0o0o

After I had quote 'shit-faced Marcus sideways' unquote, we got kicked out because Felix didn't want to disturb Jane or any other higher forces, which was fine with us. But since we still needed to kidnap Aro to complete the dare, we were on the roof, above his study. We knew just how to lure him.

We hopped out from the ceiling, and Aro looked at us shocked. I would be too if three random vampire busted through another part of the roof wear black on black attire, and black beanies (Alice's idea, we needed to seem more 'legit'). We had decided Alice would do all the talking.

"Aro, we are going to kidnap you, but be a dear, and just help us do it quicker." That was so not in the plan...

o0o0o0o0o0o0o

**Bella POV**

"Is this what you do all day? Play Xbox? And shopping sprees?" Aro asked from the lounge chair. Emmett was in the living room, playing Xbox with Edward and Jasper while I had to entertain him. What a life.

"Well this is a typical day," I shrugged as Alice busted through the door with Rosalie, and about a hundred shopping bags.

"Nonsense, what were all of you doing before I was... 'kidnapped'. There had to be a reason why," he yawned. "I'm booored."

"Yeah, Aro, we discussed that fifteen times. Truthfully, we were playing truth or dare," I sighed.

"Truth or-" he began.

Alice screamed from upstairs, and ran to us, jumping up and down. "Aro! That's a great idea!" Edward groaned from the living room.

"Truth or dare is on, people! Into the kitchen, now!" Alice screamed louder, and everyone trudged into the kitchen looking confused. "Aro's playing!"

"I am? I, uh, I mean of course I am," he nodded, confidently.

She squealed and sat down on the floor. Everyone esle repeated her example. "Truth or dare?"

"Dare," he said. His eyes, seemed focused and ready, as if Alice was a normal sweet pixie that sprinkled pixie dust on everything. But she wasn't. She was the kind of pixie, with black wings, and just one look at you she burns to smithereens, then punishes you for every single precious moment by taking you to mall hell, and making you try on every single uncomfortable piece of cloth she can get her little evil hands on.

Then again, it could be just me.

She smiled sweetly. "I dare you to go around town, in the skimpiest attire, hitting on old men, and when you return, give a lap dance to Esme in front of Carlisle."

Nope, it wasn't just me.

Aro looked at her with a dubious look. He shrugged and stood up, walking toward the door humming. Well, he took that nicely. We all looked to Edward, hoping he could tell us what was running through his head.

Then it was Edward's turn to shrug. "He likes his body, and Esme."

Emmett burst in fits of laughter. "Esme totally got game! She getting some tonight," he laughed elbowing me and wiggling his eyebrows.

"You would come up with something like that," Edward shook his head.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Emmett stopped laughing.

"You're perverted," Edward told him.

Emmett grinned again. "Ah, yes."

"Ok! How about the once 109 year old virgin and the perverted one, make their way out like everyone else," Alice scolded. Edward laughed as Emmett pouted.

"Oh ok! I see how it is," Emmett said sadly.

"What?" Edward asked as they walked to the door while everyone else followed.

"I remember making a joke about that-your v-card-and you tearing me a new ass hole. But nooo, Alice makes a joke and you laugh," he pouted.

"It's different," he said loudly, then made his voice to a whisper. "She's evil."

And with that, we all walked to the garage, with Jasper and Emmett, teaching Aro to do 'The Jerk'.

**I was actually going to make this go into Aro's dare, but I have no inspiration. I will be updating this week, I promise (Ah! I actually promised D:). Um...Oh, yes! I have to give credit to **_**overdramatic comedian**_** because I used one of her lines from her story. It had me laughing hard. :-)**

**Review!**


	20. A Sneak Peak and AUTHOR'S NOTE

**Author's Note:**

Ok, so I know it's been FOREVER since I have updated, and there are a few reasons for that. First off, I just have been having some problems, blah blah blah, and I just don't have time anymore. :\ Secondly, I am utterly and completely stumped. I have no clue what to write! So any ideas would be greatly appreciated for now, I'm just going to post what I have, and I appoligize for no action etc, etc. Keep reviewing and push me to continue writing. Hopefully I will update soon, but for now, here's a sneek peek of where I want to head ;)

**After what seems like years of procrastination...**

**Again thank you very, very much **_**XxMzMaryJaneWhitlockxX**_**for her awesome review, that keep me writing, and her super ability to give me ideas.**

**On another note, I finally got myself to edit chapters 1-4, because I was reading them and began to wonder what I was smoking. I'm hoping to finish editing the remaining ones, so my update may be a little late... One of the reviewrs brought me to my senses. And my spell checker doesn't want to work so sorry for the spelling mistakes. I epically fail. :\**

**Enjoy, lovely buscuits of awesome-ness.**

**Edward POV**

"No, Aro! This isn't the Cupid Shuffle, or even the Christmas Shuffle! It's the freaking Jerk!" Emmett said for the tenth time. Aro groaned and glared at him.

"The Jerk, the Douche, the Bastard! It's all the same!" Aro threw his hands up.

He scoffed. "Psh, I give up. I refuse to show my awesome abilities, to someone who cannot apreciate them."

"But, I want to show Alec I can be 'hip with it'," Aro made a puppy dog face at me. _Puh-leeze. I'm the master of those expressions. My face-fu is strong._ Emmett thought.

"Fine! If you give up one more time, you are no longer my Jedi. You will be shunned! Here study this after the dare," he grinned and threw Aro an eight hundred-thirty two page book.

"What is it?" he asked flipping through the pages.

"The Hiptionary," we all looked at Emmett with weird expressoins. "A 'hip with it' book."

"Ooh," Aro grinned.

I tapped his foot. "I hate to interupt your little 'hip with it' meeting, but Aro is disturbing me with his pink Daisy-Dukes."

"When did he change?" Emmett gasped as he and Aro got out of the Jeep.

Everyone was already out, just waiting for them to finish discussing their 'serious issue'. We all turned to Aro, looking at him for the first time, trying not to combust with my laughter. He was wearing a see-through white shirt that went down to above his belly-button. Indeed he was wearing pink Daisy-Dukes, that shouldn't even be considered clothing. It was extremely short, leaving nothing to the imagination.

"Oh my God! Your ass!" Jasper burst out laughing when Aro turned his back to us. Everyone else either stiffled laughs, or burst out laughing. Guess which on I was in?

"Aro! You have the whitest butt I have ever seen! I think I went blind!" Emmett laughed and held on to a giggling Alice for support. "It- It's whiter than Edward's!"

"Hey!" I paused a moment, wondering how he even knew if my ass was white or not, before laughing again.

"Stop judging my bum! I'm not only a vampire, but I also did not go out in the sun as a child," he pouted turning to face us.

"Oh my- Stop putting your junk on display!" I laughed.

"BLEACH! MY EYES! I NEED BLEACH! OXY CLEAN! HELP ME!" Emmett laughed and began to rub his eyes feircly. He began running around as Aro consciencly moved a hand to cover himself.

"Where are we? I've never been to this part of town..." Nessie giggled as she looked around. Jasper, Emmett and I had actually tried our best to avoid this place, for reasons that will soon become obvious. There were a few houses scattered about, and a building that seemed like an abandoned warehouse.

Jasper began talking in a menicingly, creepy, mysterious voice. "We are in the outskirts of Forks, Nessie. Where darkness lurks in every corner, and eyes watch your every move. Where the worst of your nightmares become true, where-"

"We are at the part of town with a gay bar," Jacob rolled his eyes.

We all started to look at him as I tried not to laugh. "I was expierimenting my sexuality, remember?" he said quietly kicking sand.

"Wait, what?" Nessie asked as Seth mumbled a 'ha'.

Alice burst out laughing with Emmett. "Oh sorry. Serious issue, got it," she winked as Emmett continued laughing.

"Ok! To change the awkward moment, Aro, time for your dare," Rosalie cleared her throat.

"We will talk about this later," Nessie glared at Jacob, and jabbed a finger at him.

Aro sighed. "Where will you guys be?"

"Eyes watch your every move, remember? We'll be...around," Alice said pointing to her head.

Aro threw is head down in defeat and shoufled his feet toward the bar. It would have been a serious moment except Aro kept clenching his buttcheeks to pull out the wedgie between his crack. Oh yeah, vampire butt cheeks were that strong.

And now we wait.

Well, not really, we ran towards the back of the club and entered throught the door. Of all people that went through with this, I thought Aro would be the last, but hey, apparently things aren't what they seem.

We all stood staring as we climb into a descrete bar table in a far dark corner. It would have been a perfect spot, save for the two men making out and groping each other. So we had to move to a lit part of the club and not surprisingly, tons of men came to bombard us with flirtatious jokes.

"You know sir, it would be greatly appreciated, if you would _not_ rub up on me. I feel as if I will have your stench of sex for eternity," Emmett whimpered as a man walked away from him disappointed.

"Come here honey-buns, sit on Papa's lap," a guy with a police officer hat and booty shorts told Jasper, winking.

"He's not gay," Alice laughed patting Jasper's arm.

The man huffed. "Please honey, I can smell a queer from a mile away."

"I'm not gay, I'm not gay, I'm not gay!" He groaned.

"Look, it's Aro!" Bella pointed.

DUN DUN DUUUN!

**So yes I know it's incredibly short BUT... I'm just blehh. Writer's block sucks! Ideas are greatly appreciated :\**


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